Recommended Link; Jessica

Hello fellow help meets! Our family move to Indiana is finally upon us and I will be offline for a couple of weeks. My days have been spent packing and cleaning and I have not been reading at all. In fact, the Help Meet book has been in a box for quite some time.

Before I go, I wanted to share a recommended link for you all. It is a list titled, "12 Things You Should Not Do to Your Husband" by Camilia Brown. The excellent advice and encouragement is written in a Debi Pearl-style. Enjoy!

I hope to join you here again in the not-too-distant future,

Jessica

Comments from Jill

Jill posted this under "Comments" and most of you may have already read it, but I wanted to highlight it rather than it being tucked into the "comment" section b/c I think it's so powerful!

Jill writes:
Sorry for not posting sooner. I haven't kept up with the reading and did not have any insights to share. I sent the question on to a friend who had this to say:

As women we are called by God to be helpers to our husbands. The wife of a Command Man must to approach this calling with more caution than other women with different situations. She must understand that having a Command Man for a husband does not give him immunity from biblical exhortation, reproach and discipline. She must also understand that there are certain situations where she is expected, as are all wives, to deliver loving biblical exhortation and reproach to him. The wife of a Command Man must be fervent in prayer, gifted in gracious influence, gentle in exhortation and respectful in the reproach of her husband. She must find the most appropriate and respectful way to deliver such reproofs and exhortations to her particular husband. If a godly wife refrains from speaking the truth in love, her Christian husband will be deprived of one of God's greatest provisions for his own spiritual growth - the words of encouragement and exhortation of his own wife. Her goal must be to restore her husband to right standing with God while not undermining his headship and authority of the home.

When a Command Man takes his leadership gifts and distorts them he can become the worst sort of husband, father and man. Instead of harnessing his strengths to serve the Kingdom of God he will use his strengths to control his little "kingdom of command man" which includes his loyal subjects: wife and children. He will sin by making himself an idol. As many of us have observed, Command Man will abuse his authority in the home by behaving like a dictator. He will use verbal, emotional, and some times physical abuse to achieve his ends. He will use fear, intimidation, and manipulation to maintain control. This is not what God intended for marriage or for families to look like.

When a Christian wife quietly endures continual, long term abuse of any form at the hands of her husband in the name of biblical submission she is demonstrating an incomplete understanding of God's word, the Gospel and God's plan for the family. Please understand that I am not suggesting that her husband's sin is her fault or that she is bringing it upon herself. She must understand that for he protection, God has placed several levels of help within the Christian community. These forms of protection include Godly family members, friends, church leaders such as elders and lastly law enforcement. When any man is sinning against his wife, she must follow steps to biblical restore him, first by reproving him in private, then bring the matter before others (Matthew 18:15-17) and lastly taking him to the highest levels of governing authority if he does not repent. In The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace says, "If a husband threatens physical abuse or is sinning against his wife by verbally attacking her, she should not hesitate to involve her church's leadership to initiate the process of church discipline, or contact the governing authority (if appropriate). Letting her husband bear the consequences of his sinful behaviour at the hand of either church or governmental authorities is an act of loving obedience to God since God Himself has appointed these authorities for her protection."

A woman who is in this situation has many special and specific needs. She may not fully understand what God's word says about husbands, wives, submission and sin. It is also likely that she is filled with self-doubt and unable to see her situation clearly because years of control and manipulation have distorted her view. She may be fearful of her husband's response to any action she takes and also fearful about what the ultimate consequences of her actions will lead to. Women is these situations are especially in need of mature Godly women to come along side them. They need loving encouragement, biblical counsel, and exhortation. If willing they may need professional help from church elders and biblical counselors. Ultimately these women may also need help with finances and housing if a short or long term separation occurs.

For further reading and more in depth biblical reference I would highly recommend reading Martha Peace's book, The Excellent Wife. In section three titled A Wife's Submission she addresses submission, God's protection for wives, steps to give a biblical reproof, and many other sub-topics related to this sort of situation with excellent biblical references.

Helpmeet--Ch. 13; Jen

First off, I didn't get any feedback on the comments I made last week or so, which lead me to skipping ahead in the book, searching for some more solid examples of "drawing the line" and I did indeed find them and was very satisfied with what I read (once again!). =0) I think the main thing I'm finding is like Jan quoted below...that good marriages (Godly marriages) are ones that both husband and wife are striving to obey God and have a Biblical marriage. When we see only one striving then things get confusing and difficult to diagnose.....but in the case where they are both failing miserably it's pretty easy to figure out why the marriage is failing. I felt really encouraged this week as I studied ahead a little and was reassured about when a man (most often "command man") is stepping over the bounds of what is Biblical and worthy of submission.

Okay, on to chapter 13.

I agree totally Jan, Judy's story WAS shocking....which again, reading ahead a little I was happy to see that the Pearls do think that a woman who's husband is unfaithful does have cause to protect herself (in the very least from Aids). It gets confusing for me sometimes when I read how passionate they are about the wife submitting, what seems at times to be "no matter what" which is why reading ahead really helped clear the mud for me on those issues. I think it IS amazing that a woman can go against the tide of society and stand by her wayward man despite who he is. Amazing! What an example to us. I have a friend right now who's husband has announced that he's gay and she had to go get an Aids test done. They have two children under the age of 3 and yet so far she is sticking with him. Her test came back negative which was a praise but it seems there is more damage to deal with emotionally than there is physically. I wonder sometimes if she's just doing it for her kid's sake....what a testimony to her children.

On the bottom of page 128 I was comforted to read this favorite verse of mine, Proverbs 16:3 which says, "Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established." I've often counseled women who are struggling with loving/submitting to their husbands and I've encouraged them to do what is right and find ways to show love and then the feelings will follow. Obeying God by doing what we are called to do will endear our hearts with time. That is an amazing concept to me but it works. I've done it in my life and it's super hard but it works. It's also a great way to keep out bitterness.

The bottom of 129 says "we have been tricked into believing that our husbands have committed offenses against us, all the while thinking that we are more spiritual because of the insights we have." The first part of this statement reminds me of another book I read that talked about how women give their husbands "love tests" all the time. We set the expectation up in our mind (which he knows nothing about) and then if he doesn't meet the expectation he fails the love test. It goes like this. In my mind "if he loves me, he'll put the toilet seat down (or fill in your own expectation....close the cabinet, take out the trash, etc.)." Of course, you don't tell him what you are expecting or that you want him to do xy or z. So, the day goes on and he doesn't put the toilet seat down. I decide in my mind, "yep, I knew it! He doesn't love me!" That's a love test and us women are known for them. A few chapters back there was a quote that went along with this very same section that said something like "he practices his faults, you practice your bitterness and you are both on your way to divorce." Ouch!

I really liked the section on page 131 titled Comfort Zones. I think a lot of women (including myself as a young bride) in ignorance don't understand this about men....they really do care, they really do need us more than we think, they are emotionally dependant on us and the home we create for them.

The testimony of the girl named Sunny really spoke to me as well. What a witness she was to her husband. She made poor choices but chose to take responsibility for it rather than view herself as a victim which is oh so tempting.

I noticed through reading this chapter and the last page Time To Consider section that it's hard to actually take the steps to show esteem for my husband. It's easy to say with words that I believe in being submissive but when it really comes down to doing it (especially when I want my own way) it's super hard! Even saying things to praise him in public is difficult for me because I always think it sounds corny since it's rare that you ever hear a wife praise her husband. I do lots to his face but in public I always feel like I sound corny or sarcastic when I'm really trying to sound genuine. I guess it's just an awkward thing that I have to get over and keep working at. I do keep doing it even though it sounds weird coming out of my mouth....maybe with time it will become more natural. =0)

I'm trying to get caught up on all my bible studies I'm involved in this summer so I'll try to post chapter 14 as well soon.

Helpmeet--Ch. 13 & 14; Jan-Maree

THE GREAT MYSTERY

Well, I had to pick my jaw from off the floor after reading Judy's letter on page 126. The question...how many of us could follow her example? I wonder.
Debi writes,

The difference between a good marriage and a lousy one is not found in good husbands and good wives versus bad husbands and bad wives, for all marriages are made up of two sinners with lots of faults. A good marriage is good because one or both of them have learned to overlook the others faults, to love the other as he or she is and not attempt to change the other or bring him or her to repentance. -pg. 128

I have been blessed to witness the truth, "Reverencing a man changes him."

KINGS and KINGDOMS

Reverence is not just acting and putting on that pretty smile all the while responding, "Yes, dear." It is how I feel (in my heart) and how I respond with words and with my body language. I know my husband knows my heart as well or better than I can.

In the past, there were many times that I willed myself to do what I ought more often than I was motivated by my feelings towards him. I am blessed abundantly that this book has opened my eyes and softened my heart. Now, my doing, saying, & acting is motivated by my love and honor towards him!

There were so many times that I too wanted my husband to "perform". I wanted him to be/act 'spiritual', attentive, involved...

The very heart of reverence is extreme appreciation and profound thankfulness that this man, JUST AS HE IS, has chosen to love me, JUST AS I AM. [emphasis added] -pg. 141

Looking ahead on page 160 Debi lists 15 words that God uses to describe a godless wife! Yikes!! May I never fall prey to Satan's lies about my being a woman and wife!

Helpmeet--Ch. 11 & 12; Jan-Maree

-Yeah! I am caught up with reading through, Ch 13/14. I will post in this next week!-

CH. 11
The Nature of Man and Women
This chapter was somewhat of a ‘history’ review for me. As Debi was refreshing my memory of these events, I easily paralleled some of her points with ones in my own life. On page 107 she listed 3 ways that Eve was deceived. I too could relate to Eve’s source of failure, “…her unwillingness to believe God and her husband.” I do realize that we are talking apples and oranges here, but I have seen my sinfulness in so many areas and it’s when I am not trusting in God’s promises.
I appreciate a lot of the bottom-of-the-page quotes (have you noticed them?) and side line highlights that are pulled out of the paragraphs. Two that I particularly like are in this chapter on the same page (p. 108) then one on p. 115
1. “Vulnerability is a woman’s greatest natural asset and the point of her greatest weakness.”
2. “The soul of a mother has to be vulnerable.”
3. “Learn to be a bundle of delightful joy”
These are NOT earth shaking quotes, but to me at the time of reading, they put some perspective on some things, in my life, as a mom.

CH. 12
By Divine Appointment
OK, I know this is as sinful a woman as I…so I want to be cautious about holding her up as all-knowing and wise when it all sounds good, but the Word of God is what we should be quoting. On one hand what she is saying is biblically sound, on the other hand this is her own opinion but proven by her life that what she is suggesting/telling works. I happen to agree with most of it! In the first paragraph of this chapter it all came together for me. Since reading this and believing it (which I do…but some may argue it), a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Truly. I have been freed to love my man w/o exception.

"Don’t worry about the quality of his leadership, for he is
under the oversight of Jesus Christ. He must answer to God for how he leads his “troops.” You must answer to God for how you obey the one He places over you. It takes faith in God to trust him when all you seem to see is once carnal man leading you—to “God only know where."

On page 123, “Getting Serious with God”…is anyone having difficulty with this list? I am not sure where to begin…will someone share their thoughts/ideas? Here is what I have come up with but it’s a bit repetitive …
Monday:
1. Keep smiling
2. Keep laughing
3. Happily deal with the children
Tuesday:
1. same as above
Wednesday:
1. same as above
Thursday:
1. He likes my appearance (can’t think of anything)
Friday:
1. Have his shirts ironed and off the ironing board
2. Have his shirts ironed and off the ironing board
3. Have his shirts ironed and off the ironing board
Saturday: (I will keep this to myself, thank you very much!)
Sunday:
1. Praise him and smile at him
2. Touch him
3. Do not correct or talk over him

Helpmeet--Ch. 11 & 12; Jessica

Chapter 11

Did these phrases cause you to pause?:

"...Lucifer, the fallen cherub, was jealous of Adam's position as master of the renewed planet."

and

"He [Lucifer] did not want God to be successful at replenishing the earth. - p.106 (emphasis added)

I know that this blog is not intended for a discussion on our beliefs of the creation account. I will just say that I was a little perplexed when I first came across these phrases. I have since learned that the Pearl's believe in the existence of a time "gap" between verses 2 and 3 of Genesis chapter 1, and they believe that the creation account beginning in verse 3 is not the first creation. If you're interested in learning more about their position, you can go to this link. I read through the article and I've asked my husband to read it. If any of you get a chance to read it, and would like to comment on this topic, you can email me at jlp91326@yahoo.com.

O.K., moving along to the help meet portion of the chapter...

On page 110, Debi tells us that:

"...wives should fear God and distrust their natural tendencies."

I don't like to think of myself as one who is deceived, but that does not change the fact that I am!

It is also interesting to note how men are "exposed and vulnerable" to the women they love (p.110) Debi's words of caution should be at the forefront of my mind:

"We need to be aware of the power we have to seduce our husbands into following us into disregarding the clear, objective words of God.-p.110-111

If Adam, Samson, Solomon, and David can fall in these areas, so can any of our men.

I wonder how many times my husband has gone against his own better judgment in order to keep his wife happy? I don't ever want to make my man weak because I am somehow assuming a masculine role (p. 112).

In the "Virtuous Woman" section, I found it interesting (and somewhat humorous) to read Debi's thoughts on the modern perspective of Proverbs 31. I like how she notes that "quiet time" and "prayer warrior" are not synonymous with the biblical womanhood that we read about in Scripture:

"In our culture, we have lost a clear understanding of what constitutes a virtuous woman." -p.114

At the end of the chapter, I was challenged to be that wife who is feminine, sweet, girlish... a "delightful joy".

"A man cannot cherish a strong woman who expresses her displeasure of him." -p.115

The "Time to Consider" section on page 116 asks some tough questions. The "Biblical Profile Contrast" is a helpful chart, as well.

Chapter 12

"It takes faith in God to trust him when all you seem to see is one carnal man leading you - to "God only knows where." "- p. 117

And, so, I just keep praying as the apostles prayed (Luke 17:5), that the Lord would increase my faith.

I thought Debi did a great job addressing the "What about Deborah?" issue. On the one hand, Deborah was a good leader... and that was exactly the problem, for it resulted in shame to Israel that a woman should be in the position of authority.

I loved this excerpt on p. 122:

"Do you KNOW even one couple who says they have a heavenly marriage? I know that the angels in heaven stand amazed at how much a man can love a woman, how he can break down weeping at the thought of how precious she is to him. The reason he loves her is because she IS precious. She has earned his total adoration and love. She is what God asks of a woman, and the end result is a man who cherishes her beyond anything this world can know."

I have known a couple that claimed to have a heavenly marriage. The wife was such a godly example for me to follow. It is my hope that I can continually grow to become "what God asks of a woman." Lord willing, I can be precious and cherished in the eyes of my husband.

In the "Time to Consider" section, I was reminded that I need to improve in the area of verbally praising my husband (privately and publicly.)

Helpmeet--Ch. 11 & 12; Jen

Chapter 11
"She (Eve) was meant to be Adam's helper but she helped herself to spiritual knowledge and acted independently, becoming his downfall instead of his help meet."

"Vulnerability is a woman's greatest natural asset and the point of her greatest weakness."

Both of those were powerful statements to me, reminding me that God made us women by nature to be the weaker vessel. When we recognize that and embrace it we suddenly realize that it's an asset as well as a weakness and the difference is easier to recognize. I really liked that Debi points out that Eve was "easily deceived" because she was a woman. I think the world teaches us that we are so equal that we read the story of Adam and Eve and we fail to recognize that they were not equal in their vulnerability. The funny or sad thing is that the world doesn't want to accept the idea that women are more vulnerable which means the world is unwilling to recognize some of women's greatest strengths!

page 109 was incredible to me....and into page 110. Again the point being that women are more easily deceived and I tell ya, I'm not kind to my own sex because I already was thinking this way but I've just never seen this in print! Fabulous stuff. As I read this section I could hear in the back of my mind several Christian women screaming their heads off in rebellion to the truths that Debi shared on just these two pages! I had to read it out loud to my husband it was so good and he quickly pulled up the cover of the book to see what crazy book it was I was reading. LOL. I wish more Christians would go back to the basics and stop accepting what has become the norm and familiar to them in roles. When we look at the roles God created for men and women, suddenly things like women not teaching over men is very clear and make perfect sense!

Chapter 12
I really liked the last paragraph on page 117 where she says that "in all of this submit-to-your-superior talk, remember this: God is focusing our attention on the heavenly pattern. The emphasis is not on women submitting to men, but rather on women showing, here on earth, the heavenly pattern of the Son submitting to the Father." So important to keep myself focused on this goal. In our culture in American today, this WILL be noticed...if I truly submit I will be different and it will be an opportunity to witness for Christ!

At the end of this chapter there were questions and I went through them. I'll share a few of the things that I listed for the "Getting Serious With God" section....not all of them though cause some of them were personal in nature.
say "no" to more activities so that I'm less busy.
be more responsible financially
keep the house under better control
not talk over him
not snap at him
provide more planned home cooked meals
pray more specifically for him
praise him more (privately and publicly)
make improvements on our home from our "fix-it-up" list
be more creative financially (frugal creativeness)
ask him first about a decision before making my own decision (give him preference)
don't put him down
allow him to talk
be his support without making decisions for him

Helpmeet--Ch. 9 & 10; Jan-Maree

“From the beginning, God meant for us [women] to be a comfort, a blessing, a reward, a friend, and an encouragement [to our men]” p. 94

Chapter 9: Finding Your Life in His
I was provoked to pride that my husband had never “pulled a fast one on me” when it came to career changes or dreams he wanted realized. But, as I continued to read through, I swiftly and humbly recognized that these changes do not necessarily manifest only in these two areas; there are many others instances that can be applied in understanding Debi’s point in sharing the story of The CPA (p. 95)
In my case, it was with his maturing as a man within his career and his ‘enlightening’ through reading and research on subjects I thought to be ‘secular thinking’. Without boring you with unnecessary details, it took this book (started in January) to get me to back-off of Jeff and stop being a whining, distrusting, and disrespecting destructor of his leadership.
I also (Jessica also posted) appreciated Debi’s quote on p. 97,

"Learn to really enjoy taking out the trash or milking a cow. You will be amazed at how God will fill you full of himself…[God] is looking for women willing to be true help meets to the men whom they married, so He can fill them full of joy.”

Though, I do not always understand all the goals that Jeff wants to achieve or the reasoning behind them (which can consume me with fear if I allow it), I am trusting that the Lord will work in his life as well as mine. I have already seen our marriage do an amazing turn for the better! Jeff is respected, trusted, and enjoyed in our home. I know I will be blessed for choosing to uphold Jeff as the leader in our home.

Here is another quote I appreciated...

"Wisdom is knowing what you “bought” when you married that man and learning to adapt to him as he is, while enjoying the full value of your “purchase.” p. 99


Chapter 10: Reactions Define You

I appreciated more than ever the concise ‘review’ that Debi gives on p. 104, under Time to Consider. I learned that not only are we to do this or that, remember this or that, but to look to the future and discover the ways to better meet our husband’s needs and desires.

Ways that I can free my husband to be the man God created him to be:
• Have a smile on my face when he walks in the door.
• Be ready and willing to assist him in the kitchen.
• Have the house and yard toys orderly when he arrives.
• Lower (soften) my voice when dealing with kid stuff.
• Encourage/Praise him with my words.
• Head off some of the decision making when it comes to our social calendar.

"Your reactions define who you really are inside and what you really believe at your core level.” p. 101

I believe that I will never have peace, happiness, and joy until my mind is filled with good-will towards my husband.
(p. 103) -paraphrased/personalized-

Helpmeet--Ch. 9 & 10; Jen

I've gotten behind on posting even though I've been studying along. =0)

Chapter 9
I only had one major thing that stood out to me in chapter 9 which was on page 96 when she says that "God didn't create Adam and Eve at the same time and then tell them to work out some compromise on how they would each achieve their personal goals in cooperative endeavor." That is so the world's thinking today on marriage but when we put it in terms of God's creation of Adam and Eve it sounds so silly and ridiculous. When we decide to buck God's plan for marriage, we create a whole world of strife for ourselves.

Chapter 10
I took notes on this chapter and I'll just copy them down here.....
"You can control your future reactions considerably by changing the way you think...." Our responses reveal how we think. We can try to modify our behavior but only changing our thinking will truly change our behavior (heart change).

Ways to Encourage My Husband:
-not complain (about the house, our church, our kids, etc.)
-be spontaneously romantic
-take care of myself, make myself appealing
-smile more
-not push him to make decisions or into things he is not called to do
-pray for him
-ask him what I can do for him each day
-speak encouraging words (I'm his cheerleader!)

Helpmeet--Ch. 9 & 10; Jessica

Chapter 9

Debi had very sound advice for the wife of the CPA (now dairy farmer.) Each of us in our own situation can fill in the blanks with this statement:

"Learn to really enjoy taking out the trash or milking a cow. You will be amazed at how God will fill you full of himself." -p.97

I have reflected upon this chapter when my husband has shared some of his ideas for the future. When he is thinking out loud, I have to be careful not to say "that will cost so much money to get started..." or "can that truly be successful?" I must try to always be his number one confidant and cheerleader, even when he is not doing something my way.

I am a homegrown Southern California "city" girl. It is sometimes hard for me to imagine more of a country lifestyle. Yet, as it looks right now, that is what the future holds for me. I happen to love warmth and sunshine, and our future state has long, cold winters. If I am to be my husband's helper, I will bundle up and learn to enjoy the snow. If I am to be his helper, I will learn to love the peace and quiet of a simpler way of life.

Chapter 10

Oh, how I desire to be transformed by the renewing of my mind! I try to do this most mornings as I read through some Scripture. I don't want to be the woman who was:

"...storing up in her heart an abundance of selfish thoughts." -p.102

and I really must be careful not to fall into this trap:

"In thinking he is wrong and you are right, you declare yourself wiser than he, more spiritual, more discerning, more sacrificial, etc. All this adds up to the obvious conclusion that you have assumed the role of leadership, teacher, and judge."-p.103

I have mentioned before that I married a Marine. He just left the country for two weeks and sometimes I find myself wishing that he would just check out of his unit and be done with all of it. That is the selfish me talking. When I start to think upon truth then I remember that this is who he is and I love that I married a real man's man. He has also served for 15 years, so if he stays in for just another five years then he will be eligible for a retirement.

The children are also learning to re-train their thinking through this time apart from their father. When he left, they cried. But, what I have been telling them (and it helps me, too) is that there are other American children who have fathers serving for months, or a year, or more- so we need to be grateful that our Marine will be gone for such a short time.

"No woman will ever have peace and joy until her mind is filled with goodwill toward her husband, and she is committed to becoming a good help meet for him." -p.103

Thus, when I kissed him goodbye, he knew that I was supporting him and that I am capable of holding down the fort here on the homefront.

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jan-Maree

Wisdom to Understand Your Man: A wise woman learns to adapt to her man.

I have considered writing to Mrs. Pearl and offering the suggestion that when (down the road if applicable) the book gets up dated or re-formatted that this chapter get moved to the beginning of the book!
I particularly enjoyed her personal thoughts of how the three types of men paralleled the Trinity.
As I was reading there were several points that stood out to me. I will share those and close with some personal thoughts of how I have identified my beloved and how I am blessed by him and also how I can be a better helpmeet to him.
· It was clear to me after reading this chapter, how (in the 13 yrs we have been married) I have been a curse to my husband (and of course a blessing, at times).
· I am thankful for her "KEY" point on pg 76: “Wisdom in knowing what you ‘bought’ when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be."
Though, I would not consider Jeff a “Mr. Command Man” by nature, there is some of that tendency at times and I am learning in what areas of life this blessing surfaces. Here are a few points that did apply that I need to remember (I will paraphrase)…
· Command men do more than is required (pp 77).
· I have to learn how to make a ‘proper appeal’ with out challenging his authority (pp 77).
· I have to earn/work my place in his heart by proving that I will stand by him, be faithful to only him, and obedient to him (pp 77).
· Many times when there is strife…it is because he expects obedience, honor and reverence, and he is not getting it (pp 79).
Now, Jeff certainly is not a “Mr. Visionary”, but there were still some great points that can be applied to any ‘type’ of man.
· Learning how to be flexible, and learning how to be loyal to your man…go with his flow (pp 81).
· “The way you think determines how you will feel, and how you feel influences the way you will act.” (pp 83)
If you have not figured it out yet, Jeff is a “Mr. Steady” through and through. Most of this section was eye opening! From the way that he views me to the way that others (who do not have Mr. Steady) view me, so much of this section was written just for me.
· I absolutely appreciate the simplicity of what Mrs. Pearl says here: “The women married to Visionary Men look at you in wonder that your husband seems so balanced and stable. The wife of Command Man marvels at the free time you seem to have.” (pp 86)
· “Let him be the one God made him to be: a still, quiet, thoughtful presence—for you!” (pp 87)
· His lack of [open boldness to spiritual things] may look like indifference. However he is like deep, deep water. The very depth makes the movement almost imperceptible, but it is, nevertheless, very strong.

As the chapter was closing, I appreciated Debbi’s detail in the wife’s power in making and breaking her marriage with the sections, “Ruination” Wife’s Summary and Successful Wife’s Summary.

My responsibility, as a wife of a Mr. Steady, is to readily acknowledge what a friend, lover, and companion I have been given. Remembering, to give him verbal affirmation and gratitude for his hard work, support, listening ear, comfort, and quiet presence!

“When she stops trying to change him, he will grow…” pp. 92

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jessica

Over 3 years ago, before the Help Meet book was released, the Pearl's posted a large portion of this chapter in their bi-monthly newsletter. I was so intrigued with Debi's perspective on the three types of men! At that time, I learned that my husband was about 80% Mr. Steady, with a little Mr. Command and a little Mr. Visionary mixed in.

"If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow." -p.76

I have found this to be so true! I am amazed to think about all of the positive changes in my husband's life over the past couple of years. Although he is far from perfect (like his bride), I have watched him develop into a more balanced blend of all three "types." He has become more of a visionary and so now I would say that he is about 40% Mr. Steady, 40% Mr. Visionary, and 20% Mr. Command.

On Christmas Eve 2006, my husband was involved in an on-duty motorcycle collision. Amidst surgeries and recoveries, while he had much time at home, the Lord began to move in his heart. One of his first visionary steps was to say that he wanted to begin home-churching. That was more than a little frightening for me, because I had never known anything other than going to a church building every Sunday. Now, over a year later, I can look back and see how much we have grown in the Lord and what a blessing it is to gather in a small home assembly.

Over the past year, it became more and more evident that my husband would never make a 100% recovery (which would be required for continuing his present career.) For someone who never thought he would enjoy anything more than being a police officer, the Lord has given him hope and vision for the future! He is now excited about a new beginning. Our family is about to undergo many transitions, as my husband desires for us to live on a large piece of property outside of California. His hope is to eventually have a home-business. These are just a couple of the upcoming steps on our new journey! It is now up to me to be flexible and loyal (per Debi's instructions on pgs. 81, 84)

My husband is a Command Man when he needs to be (he is a Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps Reserves and is accountable for 100+ Marines and Sailors in his unit.) He is also in Command at home with the children when necessary, but he does not have the "deficit in gentleness" that Debi writes about (p. 77).

In the final pages of the chapter, I was grateful to be reminded that I should not take his "steady" traits for granted.

I look forward to hearing from the rest of you on what you learned about your husband as you read through this chapter.

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jill

I have a command man, and knew it all along. The key to our marriage is my obedience *smile*. Since beginning this study I have seen his reactions improve based on the degree of reverence I show him. I think of it as the neck turning the head… I CAN have a happy marriage, IF I obey him.

Chapter 8 is now required reading for all my close friends so they can recognize the differences in our roles as wives. They will be better equipped to exhort and encourage me when they understand my husband has very different desires and expectations of me than their Mr. Steady husbands do of them. As my husband tells me “Jill, you didn’t want normal” and that’s true.

Debi says our son’s personalities can be detected before age one. I have a 2 ½ year old command man. He comes by it honestly with a command daddy and two command grandfathers. Does anyone have advice on how to mother this personality?

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jen

This was the best chapter yet for me. Incredibly enlightening! I wish I had read this chapter before I got married...that would have been super helpful! Not only has this been really helpful in understanding "who" my own husband is but super helpful in understanding other women's husbands especially when I'm trying to encourage those other women. God continues to show me that there is so much I have to learn! Very humbling to read this chapter.

I need to go back and read this chapter over again...it's just way too good. How does Debi Pearl know all this? She must of did some studies on men or something. I think that one of the things I really learned from it was that each of the three types of men can have good traits about them even though their weaknesses can seem over powering at times. LOL. or at least they seem overpowering to us women at times. I have had a hard time understanding how certain men I know that are "command men" can have anything good about them until I read this chapter and understood how a command man can be honoring to God in his marriage, work, and life. That gave me hope when it comes to a few friends that I'm trying to encourage them in their marriages. So, all to say, it's helpful to see the weaknesses of each type and also the ways in which those types can each glorify God and use their personalities for the best not the worst.

It was super enlightening, convicting, and comforting to associate my own husband with one of the three types. Suddenly I saw ways over the past 12 (almost 13) years that I've hindered or nagged him...working against his nature rather than being his perfect helpmate. Suddenly I saw how his personality can be good....or how his "man type" is a blessing not only to me but honors God. After reading it I felt like saying "whoops!" after all these years. It not that I intentionally was working against him but in my naiveness I didn't appreciate that part of him and didn't work to compliment it the best that I could. I feel so much more comfortable in my marriage now after reading just that one chapter. Wow. God is amazing. Wow, I'm slightly dumb!

I thought for a long time if I should say on here what "type" my husband is and I've been waiting to see if anyone else posted on this chapter so I could see what they said. I wish I could have been there for the group discussion to hear all the ladies' give input into these different types of men. I trust that it was an incredible discussion! So, I'm wondering, did anyone think about women in light of this chapter? Are there 3 type of women? If there are, I'm the command woman. If you can imagine....command woman married to steady man....ya, that's us. Crazy hard that way. I just never knew that steady man had a name....I've just always called him "obedient soldier"...that's the name my co-worker called her husband who was just like mine. She being married longer had already identified his personality and found that all her nagging in the world couldn't force him to make a quick spur of the moment decision and when everyone else was treating him poorly and injustice in the world was crashing down all around them, he would persevere, serving others as the obedient soldier. Well, I'm super grateful now for my obedient soldier...my steady man. Now I can finally learn to compliment steady man and stop driving him crazy! LOL.

Well, I'd love to hear if the rest of you liked this chapter and if anyone felt enlightened by it! =0)

Prayer Request; Jessica

Could I ask you ladies to please pray for me- I am having a minor surgery on Friday morning at 7:30 a.m. It is an outpatient procedure to repair a hernia which developed when I was pregnant. The surgeon at that time told me to come back in and have it taken care of after the baby was born... here we are seven years later!

Anyway, I would ask that you lift up these specific requests:

-That my body will handle the general anesthesia well and that I will not feel nauseous when I wake up or throughout the day.

-That the surgeon will perform the procedure with precision.

-And that I will recover without much pain and without any complications due to infection or otherwise.

Thank you, everyone!

Helpmeet--Ch. 6 & 7; Jill

Although I have not been posting regularly I have been reading along and lurking at the blog, keeping up with all the posts and comments. God has used Debi’s book to show me that I have been a contentious wife. Just when I think I’ve got Proverbs 31 down, telling myself “I work hard caring for my family” He led me to Proverbs 21 to see my glaring sin. Both the Blue Letter Bible and 1828 dictionary were useful tools in this study, thanks Jessica for sharing them.

I was so moved by the book that I ordered multiple copies, praying God would allow me to share them with women in need and hoping to form a discussion group like Jan’s with women from my church. By His grace, two reading groups have formed and lives are being changed, including mine.

Our first meeting was Mar 21, one week after the first meeting at Jan’s. A gal in the group, Carrie, called me days before the meeting saying she had read ahead in the book and felt it was placed in her hand by God. She shared that her marriage was going through tough times and that she believed God sent this book to her at just the right time. On the day of our first meeting, a Friday, she was to leave on a trip out of town with her husband for business. She was hopeful the time away together and her recent change of heart might bring recoconciliation. Just as our discussion ended he called and cancelled the trip. Later that weekend he told her he felt they should separate. She was devastated. They are both professing believers, have known each other sixteen years and have been blessed with a three year old daughter.

We have been in constant prayer that the Lord would continue the work He began in her and restore their marriage. There have been up's and down's but she has been trusting and hopeful, eager to show her husband, even if from a distance, how God has changed her from a critical and discontent wife to one whom is eager to please and be his helper. He has kept his distance, denied any unfaithfulness and said he just needed some time apart.

This past Friday we met again to discuss chapters 6-7. She shared that there were still many “unknowns” about his activity since they separated but instead of chasing him around to find out she would wait on the Lord to reveal to her what she needed to know in His time. When we read the section Alone she broke down in tears, pleading that the Lord would allow her the opportunity to practice all she has learned since reading the book. She has even written Debi Pearl a letter asking for prayer.

The following day, which was this past Saturday, she received a phone call from a nineteen year old girl who reveled herself as his ex-girlfriend. She claims to be pregnant, says she’s on Carrie’s side and wants her to know everything that has happened. Carrie called her husband and graciously offered forgiveness. This isn’t the first time she has accepted him back after hurtful sin. He refuses to face her and says he wants a divorce. She is praising God in the midst of this trial for placing her in a close group of friends for support (they had recently moved back here after living out of town for his work) and for gently revealing the truth of the situation, sparing her the torment of being served divorce papers with no explanation.

She is trusting God and praying for wisdom in how to proceed. Weeks ago she gave me permission to ask Jan’s group for prayer. Please pray for her husband’s repentance and for wisdom as they are beginning the divorce process today.

Helpmeet--Ch. 6 & 7; Jen

I'm a part of another online bible study blog (if any of you are interested in it, let me know and I can send you an invite. It's a private blog that a small group of us use as an outlet for our personal study time in God's Word) and just started going to another bible study at church and I'm finding it hard to get all my homework done! =0) So, I'm behind on this one but have been doing the reading and greatly enjoying the book! I'm also eager to hear more about the discussions that take place at Jan's house. I know it's probably repetitive for some of you to post about it but it sure would benefit those of us who aren't able to attend.

In chapter 6 The Crazy Lady was really amazing to read about. It IS amazing what God can allow if we walk in disobedience. You can tell that Debi brings a lot of experience to this book. Anyway, it reminded me of an incident that I observed once in church of a woman who was out of control. Her husband just sat idly by and I couldn't help but think of what a disgrace she was to her husband and the Lord. She was violent so I don't think putting my arm around her would have worked....A few of us did consider calling the police but she ended up storming out. She displayed her true character that day. Yikes. Scary what our disobedience allows us to be capable of. Reminds me of the verse about the woman who tears down her own house with her hands. The Crazy Lady did just that through her disobedience to God's Word and her lack of submission to her husband. Scary. What I think stood out to me the most about this story is that The Crazy Lady didn't start out totally crazy...it was just settle little things over time that built up and as more and more time (like Debi says 'more and more practice') it snowballed and became this big ugly thing. Sometimes I look at women like that and I wonder "wow, how did this woman become this person?" I'm guessing the answer is over time with lots and lots of practice! Last, the two verses she quotes at the end were really enlightening. Deut. 28:28 and Ecc. 10:13.

In chapter 7 I LOVED both letters and Debi's response to the first. "Alone" is incredibly powerful like Jessica said. I'm discipling (more like counseling) two women right now with marriages that are in the middle of crashing and burning and I so wanted to share "Alone" with them. I had the opportunity to share it with one of them and her response was something like "alone sounds really good right now." Like Debi I feel compelled to pour myself into younger women who do not have this much bitterness built up. Trying to help these 20 year old marriages that have 20 years of bitterness or even 10 year marriages with 10 years of practicing bitterness feels like I'm sometimes just talking to a wall when I meet with them. I'm SO encouraged by Debi to spend my time, energy, and emotions discipling younger women who have not yet made up their minds to be bitter. I've recently been making more of an effort to spend time with the newly married gals at our church and it is SO refreshing! Just what I needed!

And the first letter in chapter 7 is incredible to me too because it shows how we allow one little thing we disagree with or disapprove of be the seed for our bitterness. Again, a woman may look back and go "how did we get HERE?" Only to answer herself, oh ya, it started over TV commercials! I had to ask myself what TV commercial issues in my life are causing me to nag my precious leader and are making me bitter towards him.

The most amazing line for me in chapter 7 was "He practices his faults, and you practice your bitterness. You are both practicing divorce." (top of pg 73) OUCH! I'd love to say that to a few women and myself every day! Yikes. There it is in a nutshell. What am I practicing today...well, I'm totally more aware of making an effort to practice showing love, holding my tongue like Jessica mentioned, looking for ways to bless and serve my husband, putting aside selfish desires and bitterness. This is a painful book!

Helpmeet--Ch. 6 & 7; Jessica

Ch.6

A woman who really knows God will know that true spirituality is obeying God's recorded Word, not cultivating her "spiritual sensibilities."- p.59

I have known plenty of women, including extended family members, who claim to love the Lord, and yet, they are living in blatant disobedience to his commands. Jesus was very clear, "If ye love me, keep my commandments" (John 14:15)

There are also women in Christian circles who are very committed to their quiet time, women's ministries, prayer groups, etc. and yet we hear them gossiping, complaining, disrespecting their husbands, and more. "But he said, Yea rather, blessed [are] they that hear the word of God, and keep it" (Luke 11:28, emphasis added)

How many women (and I am speaking to myself here, too!) find themselves wondering, "what is God's will for me in this or that particular area?" God has provided an answer to that question! We can go to our husband and follow his direction. This is God's will for wives. Submission. Obedience. Trusting God through our husband's leadership. I should do all of this because Jesus modeled submission for me: "because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me" (John 5:30)

Trusting our husband's leadership can be scary! My natural tendency is to fear and question some of his decision making. But, again, if I am ultimately trusting in the Lord, then I do not need to fear! The Lord is leading my husband, who, in turn, is leading me. One verse that I have had to cling to again and again is: "The king's heart [is] in the hand of the LORD, [as] the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will" (Proverbs 21:1)

What did I learn from the "Crazy Lady?" Well, among other things, I need to really be careful to ensure that I am always trying to be his helper and not his conscience.

Ch.7

I think the letter, "Alone," is the most powerful message from the book thus far. After reading it, I was reminded, once again, how merciful God is! He has preserved my marriage even when I have made many of the same foolish choices that Carolyn made. How many times have I been cool toward my husband, waiting for him to "suffer" a little more (p.69). How many times have I let him know that I disapprove of his spending choices? More times than I care to admit!

By God's grace, I have learned in recent years to hold my tongue and trust the Lord. I am grateful that I've had time to practice this because we have some big changes coming up in the near future. Some of you know that my husband is facing a career change and our family may soon be relocating out of state. My husband is becoming more and more a Mr. Visionary (chapter 8). This is exciting... and unnerving!

As trying as it may be, I will do my best to keep that meek and quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of great price (1 Peter 3:4)

Helpmeet--Ch. 4 & 5 - Chelle

OK all, I am sorry that I am so late in posting this. Things have been busy since our trip to Montenegro. Thank you for your prayers for us. I had quite a few opportunities to practice our lessons on smiling and having a thankful and joyful spirit over the past couple of weeks. We have had a bout with head lice from an Albanian family. It was worse because I got it - and my hair is quite long. It took about a week to rid our heads, our house and all cloths of these bugs. I had, what I call "lice lessons". I have also been reading Respectable Sins, by Jerry Bridges, and together with the Helpmeet book have been convicted about how complacent I am about the "small" sins in my life. So, I was sitting in my chair one morning reflecting on how God never does anything without a purpose and wondering what all the hours of dealing with lice was meant for in my life. Then I thought about how many hours I did spend to get rid of them and how disgusted I was to have even one on my head. I was desperate to be done with them. I thought about how my sin is even more disgusting and has greater ramifications that an epidemic of lice on 5 female heads (only 2 of us got it - praise God). I am not nearly as vigilant to deal with the sin or even the "eggs" or seeds of that sin that I see in my life. I spent hours (literally) picking through Breanna's head and I asked Kris to do the same for my hair. At any little itch I was checking for lice. If only I was so sensitive to the slightest "itch" of my flesh and dealt with it even to the point of asking others to pick through my life to find the hidden and often camaflogued sin. How would my life be different? The hours I spent to deal with a bug show how much more concerned I am about my physical appearance (I didn't want to cut my hair) than my spiritual walk (I have a hard time spending 30 minutes a day in prayer). This all cut me to the core. Thank God for lice! Hopefully, I am learning this lesson so I don't have to go through it again.

Well, on to the book.

In chapter 4 I just loved the story of Debi and her husband with the trash. I have read that story to a couple of friends and think of it often. It is so true of how the small things can either get me bitter and frustrated or give me fodder for play and fun. How silly we can be that we allow the trash bags of life to get us down in the dumps. :-) I had someone ask me last week if I was happy here in Albania. Because I have been studying this book I was reminded that a thankful heart produces joy and makes life more enjoyable. However, I realized that my happiness is different here. In the states it was more incidental. There were things, like my church, my friends, the ease with which I could do things there, my car, fast food, and silly things like good milk and string cheese, that lent to my happiness and made life just good. It was a wind-in-your-hair, sunny day kind of happiness. Here many of those things are gone or are just different and I realize that I am laughing less, playing less, enjoying the small things that make life sweet less. I am learning to find my joy and happiness in God instead of those things that are so transient. It has been a good lesson for me. I am also concentrating on saying those "thank-you's" to God all day long and I have found that the more carefree and happy me is coming around more. It is true, "JOY IS THE RESULT OF A THANKFUL HEART." Pg 47

Chapter 5 - I think that all women have asked the questions at the beginning of the chapter in some form or fashion. For me, they have been complaints and self-pity disguised as prayers to God. Yes, there are some legitimate times that I have cried out to God for help when I have been unjustly hurt, but those times are very few and far between. Most times I am being too sensitive, playing the martyr, carrying the hurt from past issues that just add fuel to the current fire, or having expectations that I have no right to lay on him. At those times my, "O God, please change him" prayers are in large part ease my pain. I need to be more focused on how I am responding in those situations - not just in my actions, but in my reactions and attitudes. I see that I am good at sucking it up and dealing with his "sin", but I don't let love cover those. I fool myself into thinking that my love is covering those, but instead my self-righteousness has just swept it under the rug to be pulled out later and examined when I want to have a reason to feel hurt or deny him the happy and giving wife he wants. I begin to think, "How can you expect me to give you real intimacy in bed (not just a warm body) or get your drink or massage your back or whatever, when I feel that you have been uncaring, harsh, less than understanding or romantic?" Those are VERY dangerous thoughts and need to be dealt with as the sin that they are. They are the seeds of discontent that grow into weeds of bitterness. It is hard work to remember that "I am the worst sinner I know" (CJ Mahaney), and to give Kris the grace that I have been given by God. I desperately want my marriage to reflect the relationship Christ has with the church to the watching world around.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2/3 & 4/5; Jan-Maree

I recognize that I have yet to contribute to the blog on chapters 2-5! I feel as though I have so much to think about and work on; I get overwhelmed with sitting down and typing it all out in addition to hosting the group.

I want to first say that I am really enjoying our meetings that we have had thus far (3). The first meeting on the Introduction and Chapter 1 (which I have already posted thoughts on) was so encouraging to me! I was amazed at the turnout and interest that I saw. It is awesome to see and share similar interests with those whom I am in friendships with.

This week I was encouraged by my mentor, Joanne, to meditate on the following verse,
"And let us not grow weary while doing good for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Gal. 6:9

With that said, below I will attempt to consolidate my thoughts on these 2 past discussions. (CH 2 & 3 and CH 4 & 5)

Chapters 2 & 3

What I was encouraged by:

· "A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance…" Pr. 15:13

· Joy is visible…Thankfulness is how you think; joy is the abundance it produces…Act like the queen of his heart J

· Your negative responses are not going to make your carnal husband suddenly be the mature man who does what he ought. 'No man has ever crawled out from under his wife's criticism to be a better man—no matter how justified her condemnation.'—pp.29

What I was confronted by:

· He needs to hear gladness and appreciation in my voice.—pp.31

· I can stand on my rights and stand on truth, but it won't [help] save my marriage…

· A woman holds her man with the fragile threads of adoration, thankfulness, delight, and just plain fun.—pp. 31

· A man's spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him and manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react with anger.—pp.33

What I was educated by:

· If you have a reason to be hurt or discouraged and yet you sing with thanksgiving, this is a true sacrifice of worship to God.—pp. 34

"Let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving and declare His works with rejoicing." Ps. 107:22

· A wise woman…knows that a lighthearted home relieves her husband of stress.—pp. 35

Chapters 4 & 5

What I was encouraged by:

· …be the woman who honors, obeys, and loves Jesus, by honoring [my] husband.—pp.47

· I serve Christ by serving my husband, whether he deserves it or not.—pp.50

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." Jms.1:5

· In Ps. 37:3-8, I can apply this to my man and my marriage…

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret—it only causes harm."

What I was confronted by:

· Viewing myself as the wife/woman God gave my man—a GIFT, a PLAYMATE, his HELPER.—pp.43

· A gift is something you receive that has not been earned or merited.—pp.55

· Joy is lacking in a woman's life b/c she is not thankful.—pp.48

· Traits of a GOOD HELP MEET—pp.48

1. She is joyful

2. She makes love fun

3. She is thankful and content

· There will be times in my marriage when it will take faith and wisdom to believe that God is good, kind, and just in His command for you to submit to your husband in everything.—pp.54

"Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." Eph. 5:24

What I was educated by:

· Joy begins with thankfulness… "Our delight did not happen b/c he is…the perfect man…or b/c he 'loves me like Christ loves the church'…nor b/c he is a strong spiritual leader…nor b/c he does the right things…it happens and continues to happen b/c of the choices I make every day."—pp. 43

· Being grateful and thankful is the key to spiritual victory.—pp.46

· Having the heart of, "God, I know your Word teaches me to be a woman who is there to help meet all of my husband's desires and dreams, make me that woman." This eternal vision will change your mind, thus changing your actions, and, most importantly, it will change your reactions.—pp.49

· In Eph. 5:24, God's command to that woman is not hinged on the man loving his wife as Christ loved the Church.—pp.54

Helpmeet--Ch. 4 & 5; Jen

I see that I'm not the only one behind on this week thankfully. My daughter and I had the stomach flu for a week and then we had a family funeral and emergency to tend to out of state for a week so I got behind. I'm back home now and trying to get caught up on everything. I did study while I was gone and took a lot of notes. I hope I'm not the only one long winded this week. =0)

Chapter 4

I really liked the subtitle of this chapter. I feel like that would be a great marriage or life creed to live by. "Live with thanksgiving, forgiveness, and joy, and enjoy all your moments as if they were your last." Isn't that great!?

I could really relate to Debi saying things in this chapter like "I made sure he felt my bitterness..." and things like that. Funny how as women there is a universalness (is that a word?) about us...how we respond to our husbands poorly at times. I like where she said, "I'M SMART, I've learned to like....." and then I filled in my own ending to that sentence many times. I have a friend who is raising her four children in an apartment and she shared with me that she has this little quote on her nightstand which says, "God's will for my life is more important than where I live." Through the years I've learned to finish that sentence my own ways as well especially in my marriage when it comes to submitting. "God's will for my life is more important than........" you fill in the blank.

I like that Debi points out the need our husbands have of someone to play with. If that's a need, then I want to fulfill it. I don't want to leave that need unmet so that he has to find someone else to fill that void. I don't want to give him any reason to look further for his needs to be met.

Laughter makes life easier to climb. I've got to write that down and put it somewhere like my fridge or bathroom mirror. My husband by nature is the melancholy type and very serious most of the time. Although he does have a recognizable laugh that is from his gut and so loud and whole hearted that friends and family always get a kick at hearing his laugh in the distance. But, I've learned that in order to respond well to HIS nature, I need to be the "happy guru" in our family. I often tease that I am and he knows it's true. I'm the parent that has to facilitate "fun, silliness, laughing, smiles, etc." I'm so glad I was able to recognize this early on so that I was able to compliment him so well in that way. I love that Debi is encouraging me in this area...keep on laughing, keep on bringing happiness. To my pleasant surprise, through the years, I've rubbed off on my husband in this area a bit. Like Debi says in the beginning of this chapter "you have much more control than you know!"

I can choose to feel like my husband lets me down in that area and breed bitterness or I can compliment his weakness (making myself the perfect match for him) and bring him, my children, and myself great memories and joy by choosing to smile. I think this thinking can be applied to several areas of my marriage and life.

I think as young brides we tend to look at what our strong, protecting, providing husbands will do for us rather than evaluating what he lacks or is weak in and figuring out ways in which we can compliment him or make him stronger in. It reminds me of the marriage creed I decided to live by a long time ago that I found in a book somewhere.... it goes like this:

"In serving the Lord your primary purpose and role each day is to help
(insert husband's name), share in his responsibilities, to respond to his
nature, and to wholeheartedly cooperate with him in God’s plan for your life
together."

I just love that.

I love where Debi says that their delight and good marriage didn't happen because of how perfect her husband was but because of choices she made. Wow, what responsibility that brings to us as wives.

I so do NOT want to be partners in stress and bitterness but rather heirs in the grace of life. How else are we a team, taking on the world together?!

"A healthy relationship with a man inspires our relationship with God." I never realized that before but it makes so much sense in light of Scripture about Christ and the Church and how the marriage relationship mirrors that. What a great thing to realize!

Chapter 5

Some thoughts.....
We must submit ourselves to the authority of Scripture otherwise everything in our lives, including our marriage will be confusing, undefined, and without guidance.

What God commands us women to do does not hinge on the man loving his wife the way Christ loves the church. THANK GOODNESS! How confusing that would be! I have one focus each and every day as a married woman that does not depend on man, but on God.

"It was nothing short of divine wisdom that enabled me to understand the destructiveness of taking personal offense when my husband did things that seemed unfair, selfish, or harsh." Wow, that's really key to me. After many years of marriage, I'm seeing this and applying it!

Praise God for wisdom! Wisdom is key to understanding our men. Wisdom helps us understand them, to say what we mean, to evaluate ours and their motives fairly... Wisdom helps us not take personal offense. Wisdom helps us submit even if they fail as a leader.

Helpmeet--Ch. 4 & 5; Jessica

This blog was quiet while we were on vacation! My favorite excerpt from these two chapters is on page 43:

This, then, is the rule of life for wives: Live with thanksgiving, forgiveness, and joy, and enjoy all your moments as if they were your last. Someday, soon enough, they will be. (emphasis added)

Don't we all act as though we're going to live forever? I mean, if I truly consider that this could be my last day on earth (and it very well could be), how would that change the way that I serve, love, and cherish my family? Greatly! Debi is at a different season of life. She has watched all of her children grow to adulthood and so she, very wisely, is reminding us to treasure our time. I'm so glad she did.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2 & 3; Stephanie

This picture was taken just a couple of weeks after my son, Mason, was born. I was looking a bit haggard, but my sister and I were about to go out and indulge in a pedicure. Too bad I didn't get the "after" picture; I'm sure I was more perky! Great memories, Chelle.

Now, on to business! I remember the first time I read Ch's 2 and 3. Boy was I convicted! I had spent almost a year in "martyr" mode...the long face, the hurt eyes, the crushed spirit. And these chapters were just the slap-in-the-face with a dose of honey I needed. Just like Prov. 17:22 says, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine."

The 4th paragraph of Ch. 2 was like a bad car accident: I couldn't help but look at it...again and again. As I read it, even now, I am convinced that my "poor me" attitude (even when I have good reason for feeling hurt) is only pouring oil on an already slippery road toward a heavenly marriage. It's true that we don't have the kind of carefree, silly love we had when we first got married. But then we have a lot more stress on our marriage now. And I can't devote all of my love to just him anymore; I have 2 little ones who require my affection and attention all day long. I know you all understand what I'm talking about. I may be drained of that playful love by the time he walks through the door, but I can sure have a sweet smile and an energetic attitude. Of course, all of this work to be and look merry must come from One who has no lack: The joy of the Lord is my strength. And I must pray in order to receive that strength from Him who earnestly desires my sanctification, and will not hold back those resources which enable my obedience.

My sister gave me a quote a few years ago, which was so profound an admonition, I posted it on my bathroom mirror and read it almost daily. I think it will be most helpful to those wives who are married to dominant men, but all wives will benefit from it. Puritan preacher, Andrew Murray, says:
"Humility is perfect quietness of heart. It is to expect nothing, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in the Lord, where I can go in and shut the door, and yield to my Father in secret, and am at peace as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and above is trouble. The humble person is not one who thinks meanly of himself, he simply does not think of himself at all."

Humility and contentment walk hand-in-hand. And Debi Pearl says it straight in Ch. 3: "Discontentment is not a product of circumstances; it is the state of the soul," and again, "Most people have practiced hitting the notes of bitterness, sourness, hurt feelings, and frustration so long that their soul finds the discordant notes easily, almost without thought." I am discontent when I think I deserve better treatment or more accolades or easy communication with my husband. And just about the time I want to go to the wall for my "rights", I remember that I will not be content in getting what I desire but in fashioning my spirit to my condition. It is not always an easy condition to live in; but I can smile at the future, hope, and believe that God is at much at work in my beloved as He is in me. "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which you were also called in one body; and be thankful."

Prayer request; Chelle

Hello all. I would like to ask for your prayers for our family during the next week . We will be taking a week long trip out of the country, to Montenegro (formerly Yugoslavia) starting on Sunday the 6th. This will be a much needed rest for our family during the girl's spring holiday. God has so graciously provided an inexpensive vacation rental on Kotor Bay, near the Croatian border. I would ask that you pray for a few things specifically -

Safety in travelling. We have never crossed the border without a native speaker before. There are so many complications in border crossing and driving in a foreign country.

Quality family time in the Word, in prayer, playing, exploring and learning about the part of the world that God has called us to minister in.

Spiritual refreshment and renewal for me, especially. I have found that the daily stresses of life in Albania have impacted my personal worship time. I am looking forward to a new view (a house on a fjord on the side of a mountain) and a hot cup of coffee as I spend time with God. Pray that I will not allow the "vacation" laziness to keep from this necessary time with the only source of real rest.

Time for Kris and I to talk, be romantic, have fun and laugh together. I am really praying that we will take time to really communicate about where we are with God, with eachother, in our parenting and so on.

That we would be able to make some lifetime memories with the girls.

The weather forecast is for lots of rain and we are praying that God will give us a few days of sunshine so that we can hike around and enjoy the fresh air. We hope to drive up to Dubrovenic, Croatia, to visit the beach in Budva, Montenegro, and to explore some old castle ruins in Kotor.

Most importantly, that we would not take a vacation from our view of the world and the kingdom of God. I am praying that God would provide us with the privilege to share the gospel with someone in Montenegro. It will be like a mini mission trip. It is too easy for me to view vacations as MY time to get away, be served, have a break, and not focus on the eternal things of life. I want for this time away to help re-focus my eternal eyes so that when we come back, I will have a more passionate and worshipful walk with God.

We will return on Saturday, the 12th, and I plan to post my blog about chapters 4 and 5 in the days following our return. Thank you for your prayers.

Two More Free Tools; Jessica

Dear Ladies,

Our family will soon be leaving on an out-of-state trip, and so I will not be posting on the next two chapters. When I am back online (around the 14th) I will enjoy reading about all that you have learned. Before I go, I would like to share two more links which have been helpful to me:

Prayer for my Husband

and

Webster's 1828 Dictionary Online

This dictionary might assist you in word studies. Here is one example, using a verse from Proverbs:

House and riches [are] the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife [is] from the LORD. (Prov. 19:14)

First, I looked up the Biblical usage of the word "prudent" at the Blue Letter Bible site. Here are some of the meanings which stood out to me:

• be circumspect
• wisely understand
• prosper
• have insight
• to give attention to, consider, ponder
• teach

Now, you can go to the 1828 Dictionary and expand your understanding of the word "prudent" or any of the other words that came up in the list above, such as "circumspect."

PRU'DENT, a. Cautious; circumspect; practically wise; careful of the consequences of enterprises, measures or actions; cautious not to act when the end is of doubtful utility, or probably impracticable.

The prudent man looketh well to his going. Prov.14.

A prudent man foreseeth the evil and hideth himself. Prov.22.

1. Dictated or directed by prudence; as prudent behavior.

2. Foreseeing by instinct; as the prudent crane.

3. Frugal; economical; as a prudent woman; prudent expenditure of money.

4. Wise; intelligent.

CIRCUMSPECT, a. Literally, looking on all sides; looking round. Hence,

Cautious; prudent; watchful on all sides; examining carefully all the circumstances that may affect a determination, or a measure to be adopted.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2 & 3; Chelle

Here is a more recent photo of our family. This was taken in December 2007 here in Albania. Top row: Kaitlyn (11), Chelle (37), Kris (36) Bottom row: Sierra (7), Breanna (4 at the time), Whitney (8).

I came across a prayer in The Valley of Vision book on Wednesday called “The Family”. There was one section of the prayer that really struck me and has become one of things that I pray for in regards to my children. The author prays, “Let those that are united to me in tender ties be precious in Thy sight and devoted to Thy glory. Sanctify and prosper my domestic devotion, instruction, discipline, example, that my house may be a nursery for heaven...”. I thought that the attitude and focus of that prayer went so well with what we have been studying: how to be God-glorifying women in our homes.

These two chapters (from the Help Meet book) continue to challenge and encourage me each time I read them. This is the 4^th time I have read them and I was again convicted about how often I allow the circumstances around me to dictate my attitude instead of the Spirit of God living in me. The chapter on having a merry heart is so practical. A couple of things really stood out to me in this chapter:

1. “Who and what you are is reflected on your face.” (p 27) That really got me to thinking about the wrinkles and lines on my face – yes, they are settling in and making themselves at home. I noticed that the most predominant wrinkles are the “scowl creases” between my eyebrows. My mom used to always tell me not furrow my brow or I would get lines there. Well, I should have listened to my mother. I realize that just because I have these lines, doesn’t mean that I am a sad, angry or unhappy person by character, but it did drive home the fact that they are more prominent on my face than the “smile” wrinkles showing up next to my eyes. The obvious conclusion is that I scowl more than I smile. So, I began to be more conscious of my countenance and the body language I project to others. I was dismayed to discover that I frequently sigh, respond to interruptions with a curt answer instead of smile and express my discontent by being a big stick in the mud. The idea of singing and dancing while I sweep the floor (or make dinner or clean up the dishes, etc) may seem silly, but it really does change the whole demeanor of the house. I did an experiment this week. I made it a point to put praise music on in the morning, wake the kids up with a joyful song, talk with kids and Kris about how thankful I was for them and for what God had taught me that morning in my QT, respond with a smile when asked to help with something, and play and tickle and laugh more during the day. Well, sure enough all day the whole attitude in the house was one of happiness, fun, kind and thoughtful words and a general feeling of unity. Wow! What an enormous part MY attitude plays in directing the mood of everyone in my house.
2. “No man has ever crawled out from under his wife’s criticism to be a better man – no matter how justified her condemnations.” (p. 30). I am really good at being my husband’s Holy Spirit. I can convey to him my disapproval or disappointment with a look or a well placed sigh. What man really wants to come home from a day where he has been run ragged at work to be hammered with more harshness by his wife. A godly woman told me once that I needed to be a “soft pillow” for Kris at home. He needs to know that being with me is a safe place for him to unwind and decompress after a tough day. My sharp little jabs do nothing to change the situation, except make him less willing to open up and make our communication laced with tension. So I made a list of things that I could be doing to make him smile (as was suggested in the end of the chapter). They include being more playful in intimacy (not so hum-drum and boring), letting the chores go a little bit to play and wrestle with Kris and the girls, massage or tickle his back (without being asked), text message him some suggestive or fun “love notes” and then fulfill the promise later, and just relax. By the way, the text messaging thing is a really neat way to keep that feeling of mystery and liveliness going. Coming up with some code words for special or intimate things allows you to text and laugh together.

The chapter on a thankful spirit was just a confirmation of what I had been convicted of and trying put into practice from the previous chapter. They were a 1-2 punch. The quote, “Joy begins with thankfulness” (p 37) was a perfect bit to mull over all week. It is so easy to get caught up with the daily frustrations of not having power to heat up the house or water to bathe or to do the laundry, not being able to find parking hardly anywhere in the city so I have to walk a mile or carry all my groceries for blocks, and the list goes on. What I really need to focus on is – I deserve to go to hell and instead I get to go to heaven. That in itself will make all the “momentary, light afflictions” (II Cor. 4:17) return to their proper place. Having that attitude of gratitude has drastically changed my time with the Lord (instead of coming with my list of things that need to be “fixed”, I am focused on His glory and on praising Him), with my re-ship with Kris (instead of being weighed down by the worries and problems of my day, I am refreshed and thankful to help him bear the burden of his responsibilities), with my kids (instead of being short-tempered when they want to “help” with dinner or with some project I am working on, I am reminded of what a gift they are and how my house is to be a “nursery for heaven”) and with the people I come in contact with everyday (instead of seeming tired and overwhelmed with life, I reflect joy and peace that they can’t even comprehend – now that’s an open door for the gospel!)

Keeping my husband in my prayers all day long (and thanking God for Him instead of praying for God to change the flaws I see) is the best way for me to maintain a thankful and joyful heart towards Kris.

I did a study on joy for a couple of weeks, just to keep the momentum going, and a couple of verses that really helped and encouraged me were:

* Romans 15:13 – “Now may the God all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

* Psalm 43:4 – “Then I will go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding Joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God my God.’

* Psalm 16:11 – “You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” (italics mine)

I hope that when I die or when people are remembering what kind of person I am or was, they will say that I exuded the joy of the Lord and was always thankful. I don't want to be remembered as complaining, whining, or being too caught up in my schedule or agenda to enjoy life and all the blessings God continues to lavishly pour out in my life.