Helpmeet--Ch. 4 & 5 - Chelle

OK all, I am sorry that I am so late in posting this. Things have been busy since our trip to Montenegro. Thank you for your prayers for us. I had quite a few opportunities to practice our lessons on smiling and having a thankful and joyful spirit over the past couple of weeks. We have had a bout with head lice from an Albanian family. It was worse because I got it - and my hair is quite long. It took about a week to rid our heads, our house and all cloths of these bugs. I had, what I call "lice lessons". I have also been reading Respectable Sins, by Jerry Bridges, and together with the Helpmeet book have been convicted about how complacent I am about the "small" sins in my life. So, I was sitting in my chair one morning reflecting on how God never does anything without a purpose and wondering what all the hours of dealing with lice was meant for in my life. Then I thought about how many hours I did spend to get rid of them and how disgusted I was to have even one on my head. I was desperate to be done with them. I thought about how my sin is even more disgusting and has greater ramifications that an epidemic of lice on 5 female heads (only 2 of us got it - praise God). I am not nearly as vigilant to deal with the sin or even the "eggs" or seeds of that sin that I see in my life. I spent hours (literally) picking through Breanna's head and I asked Kris to do the same for my hair. At any little itch I was checking for lice. If only I was so sensitive to the slightest "itch" of my flesh and dealt with it even to the point of asking others to pick through my life to find the hidden and often camaflogued sin. How would my life be different? The hours I spent to deal with a bug show how much more concerned I am about my physical appearance (I didn't want to cut my hair) than my spiritual walk (I have a hard time spending 30 minutes a day in prayer). This all cut me to the core. Thank God for lice! Hopefully, I am learning this lesson so I don't have to go through it again.

Well, on to the book.

In chapter 4 I just loved the story of Debi and her husband with the trash. I have read that story to a couple of friends and think of it often. It is so true of how the small things can either get me bitter and frustrated or give me fodder for play and fun. How silly we can be that we allow the trash bags of life to get us down in the dumps. :-) I had someone ask me last week if I was happy here in Albania. Because I have been studying this book I was reminded that a thankful heart produces joy and makes life more enjoyable. However, I realized that my happiness is different here. In the states it was more incidental. There were things, like my church, my friends, the ease with which I could do things there, my car, fast food, and silly things like good milk and string cheese, that lent to my happiness and made life just good. It was a wind-in-your-hair, sunny day kind of happiness. Here many of those things are gone or are just different and I realize that I am laughing less, playing less, enjoying the small things that make life sweet less. I am learning to find my joy and happiness in God instead of those things that are so transient. It has been a good lesson for me. I am also concentrating on saying those "thank-you's" to God all day long and I have found that the more carefree and happy me is coming around more. It is true, "JOY IS THE RESULT OF A THANKFUL HEART." Pg 47

Chapter 5 - I think that all women have asked the questions at the beginning of the chapter in some form or fashion. For me, they have been complaints and self-pity disguised as prayers to God. Yes, there are some legitimate times that I have cried out to God for help when I have been unjustly hurt, but those times are very few and far between. Most times I am being too sensitive, playing the martyr, carrying the hurt from past issues that just add fuel to the current fire, or having expectations that I have no right to lay on him. At those times my, "O God, please change him" prayers are in large part ease my pain. I need to be more focused on how I am responding in those situations - not just in my actions, but in my reactions and attitudes. I see that I am good at sucking it up and dealing with his "sin", but I don't let love cover those. I fool myself into thinking that my love is covering those, but instead my self-righteousness has just swept it under the rug to be pulled out later and examined when I want to have a reason to feel hurt or deny him the happy and giving wife he wants. I begin to think, "How can you expect me to give you real intimacy in bed (not just a warm body) or get your drink or massage your back or whatever, when I feel that you have been uncaring, harsh, less than understanding or romantic?" Those are VERY dangerous thoughts and need to be dealt with as the sin that they are. They are the seeds of discontent that grow into weeds of bitterness. It is hard work to remember that "I am the worst sinner I know" (CJ Mahaney), and to give Kris the grace that I have been given by God. I desperately want my marriage to reflect the relationship Christ has with the church to the watching world around.

Prayer request; Chelle

Hello all. I would like to ask for your prayers for our family during the next week . We will be taking a week long trip out of the country, to Montenegro (formerly Yugoslavia) starting on Sunday the 6th. This will be a much needed rest for our family during the girl's spring holiday. God has so graciously provided an inexpensive vacation rental on Kotor Bay, near the Croatian border. I would ask that you pray for a few things specifically -

Safety in travelling. We have never crossed the border without a native speaker before. There are so many complications in border crossing and driving in a foreign country.

Quality family time in the Word, in prayer, playing, exploring and learning about the part of the world that God has called us to minister in.

Spiritual refreshment and renewal for me, especially. I have found that the daily stresses of life in Albania have impacted my personal worship time. I am looking forward to a new view (a house on a fjord on the side of a mountain) and a hot cup of coffee as I spend time with God. Pray that I will not allow the "vacation" laziness to keep from this necessary time with the only source of real rest.

Time for Kris and I to talk, be romantic, have fun and laugh together. I am really praying that we will take time to really communicate about where we are with God, with eachother, in our parenting and so on.

That we would be able to make some lifetime memories with the girls.

The weather forecast is for lots of rain and we are praying that God will give us a few days of sunshine so that we can hike around and enjoy the fresh air. We hope to drive up to Dubrovenic, Croatia, to visit the beach in Budva, Montenegro, and to explore some old castle ruins in Kotor.

Most importantly, that we would not take a vacation from our view of the world and the kingdom of God. I am praying that God would provide us with the privilege to share the gospel with someone in Montenegro. It will be like a mini mission trip. It is too easy for me to view vacations as MY time to get away, be served, have a break, and not focus on the eternal things of life. I want for this time away to help re-focus my eternal eyes so that when we come back, I will have a more passionate and worshipful walk with God.

We will return on Saturday, the 12th, and I plan to post my blog about chapters 4 and 5 in the days following our return. Thank you for your prayers.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2 & 3; Chelle

Here is a more recent photo of our family. This was taken in December 2007 here in Albania. Top row: Kaitlyn (11), Chelle (37), Kris (36) Bottom row: Sierra (7), Breanna (4 at the time), Whitney (8).

I came across a prayer in The Valley of Vision book on Wednesday called “The Family”. There was one section of the prayer that really struck me and has become one of things that I pray for in regards to my children. The author prays, “Let those that are united to me in tender ties be precious in Thy sight and devoted to Thy glory. Sanctify and prosper my domestic devotion, instruction, discipline, example, that my house may be a nursery for heaven...”. I thought that the attitude and focus of that prayer went so well with what we have been studying: how to be God-glorifying women in our homes.

These two chapters (from the Help Meet book) continue to challenge and encourage me each time I read them. This is the 4^th time I have read them and I was again convicted about how often I allow the circumstances around me to dictate my attitude instead of the Spirit of God living in me. The chapter on having a merry heart is so practical. A couple of things really stood out to me in this chapter:

1. “Who and what you are is reflected on your face.” (p 27) That really got me to thinking about the wrinkles and lines on my face – yes, they are settling in and making themselves at home. I noticed that the most predominant wrinkles are the “scowl creases” between my eyebrows. My mom used to always tell me not furrow my brow or I would get lines there. Well, I should have listened to my mother. I realize that just because I have these lines, doesn’t mean that I am a sad, angry or unhappy person by character, but it did drive home the fact that they are more prominent on my face than the “smile” wrinkles showing up next to my eyes. The obvious conclusion is that I scowl more than I smile. So, I began to be more conscious of my countenance and the body language I project to others. I was dismayed to discover that I frequently sigh, respond to interruptions with a curt answer instead of smile and express my discontent by being a big stick in the mud. The idea of singing and dancing while I sweep the floor (or make dinner or clean up the dishes, etc) may seem silly, but it really does change the whole demeanor of the house. I did an experiment this week. I made it a point to put praise music on in the morning, wake the kids up with a joyful song, talk with kids and Kris about how thankful I was for them and for what God had taught me that morning in my QT, respond with a smile when asked to help with something, and play and tickle and laugh more during the day. Well, sure enough all day the whole attitude in the house was one of happiness, fun, kind and thoughtful words and a general feeling of unity. Wow! What an enormous part MY attitude plays in directing the mood of everyone in my house.
2. “No man has ever crawled out from under his wife’s criticism to be a better man – no matter how justified her condemnations.” (p. 30). I am really good at being my husband’s Holy Spirit. I can convey to him my disapproval or disappointment with a look or a well placed sigh. What man really wants to come home from a day where he has been run ragged at work to be hammered with more harshness by his wife. A godly woman told me once that I needed to be a “soft pillow” for Kris at home. He needs to know that being with me is a safe place for him to unwind and decompress after a tough day. My sharp little jabs do nothing to change the situation, except make him less willing to open up and make our communication laced with tension. So I made a list of things that I could be doing to make him smile (as was suggested in the end of the chapter). They include being more playful in intimacy (not so hum-drum and boring), letting the chores go a little bit to play and wrestle with Kris and the girls, massage or tickle his back (without being asked), text message him some suggestive or fun “love notes” and then fulfill the promise later, and just relax. By the way, the text messaging thing is a really neat way to keep that feeling of mystery and liveliness going. Coming up with some code words for special or intimate things allows you to text and laugh together.

The chapter on a thankful spirit was just a confirmation of what I had been convicted of and trying put into practice from the previous chapter. They were a 1-2 punch. The quote, “Joy begins with thankfulness” (p 37) was a perfect bit to mull over all week. It is so easy to get caught up with the daily frustrations of not having power to heat up the house or water to bathe or to do the laundry, not being able to find parking hardly anywhere in the city so I have to walk a mile or carry all my groceries for blocks, and the list goes on. What I really need to focus on is – I deserve to go to hell and instead I get to go to heaven. That in itself will make all the “momentary, light afflictions” (II Cor. 4:17) return to their proper place. Having that attitude of gratitude has drastically changed my time with the Lord (instead of coming with my list of things that need to be “fixed”, I am focused on His glory and on praising Him), with my re-ship with Kris (instead of being weighed down by the worries and problems of my day, I am refreshed and thankful to help him bear the burden of his responsibilities), with my kids (instead of being short-tempered when they want to “help” with dinner or with some project I am working on, I am reminded of what a gift they are and how my house is to be a “nursery for heaven”) and with the people I come in contact with everyday (instead of seeming tired and overwhelmed with life, I reflect joy and peace that they can’t even comprehend – now that’s an open door for the gospel!)

Keeping my husband in my prayers all day long (and thanking God for Him instead of praying for God to change the flaws I see) is the best way for me to maintain a thankful and joyful heart towards Kris.

I did a study on joy for a couple of weeks, just to keep the momentum going, and a couple of verses that really helped and encouraged me were:

* Romans 15:13 – “Now may the God all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

* Psalm 43:4 – “Then I will go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding Joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God my God.’

* Psalm 16:11 – “You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” (italics mine)

I hope that when I die or when people are remembering what kind of person I am or was, they will say that I exuded the joy of the Lord and was always thankful. I don't want to be remembered as complaining, whining, or being too caught up in my schedule or agenda to enjoy life and all the blessings God continues to lavishly pour out in my life.

Helpmeet--Intro and Part 1; Chelle

For those of you who don't know me, I am Stephanie Flower's sister, Chelle Stire. My husband, Kris (for 14 wonderful years) and our 4 daughters (ages 11, 8, 7, and 5) are missionaries in Albania. Albania is located right above Greece, in Europe. We have been privileged to serve here for the past 8 months. You can visit our blog www.stiretestimonial.blogspot.com to read more about our lives and ministry here and see some photos of us and Albania.

I am so very grateful to be able to be a part of this discussion with you. I have missed the sweet fellowship and interaction with like-minded women that challenge and spur me to be all God wants me to be. These past months have been, for me, a time of God removing lots of spiritual props that I relied on to gauge my spirituality and growth (church involvement - my husband was an associate pastor in Texas and I was the coordinator of women's discipleship and leader in the women's ministry, "good" quiet times, a schedule that was centered around helping my husband as he pastored and went to seminary, discipling women in our church, and raising our children). I have wanted to be a missionary for the past 31 years (since I was 6) and was absolutely thrilled when God led us to Albania. I knew that my idea of mission work was somewhat idealistic and so I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable difficulties that we would face. I expected the frequent loss of electricity and water, the extreme heat in the summer and cold in the winter (which are harder to deal with when you don't have water and power), the feelings of isolation because we are still learning the language, adjusting to a new church and friends, and learning how to live in a totally different culture. What I did not expect was how I would react to these things. There was never a question that I am a sinner, but I thought that I was more mature in the Lord (aren't all missionaries supposed to be super-spiritual? lol). I distinctly remember sitting in my kitchen a couple of months back reflecting on how I had been impatient, unkind, complaining, irritable, selfish, and lazy (and all of this that morning) and crying out to the Lord, "God, I thought I was stronger than this. I was more godly in America. What am I doing here?" Then, in a flash, it hit me. THIS is who I really am. The times of testing in new ways and dealing with pressure that I am unused to had just revealed what I had gotten good at hiding in my nice, manageable, controlled schedule and life in the states. I have felt that my personal walk with God, these past months, has been a journey to a foreign land. It has been me and God. Not me and God and my Bible study women and my discipler and my disciplees. Elisabeth Elliot said once that missionaries have to have a "sinewy faith". My faith sure has lots of baby fat on it and God is leaning me down to run the race with endurance.

So why am I sharing all this? It was during these dry and difficult times that God brought this book, "Created to be his helpmeet", into my life. One of the missionary wives gave it to me. She had bought it for all the wives on our team for a Christmas present, but she gave it to me 2 months early because she was tired of hearing my whining. In our 14 years of marriage, Kris and I have had our learning curves. The years 2004-2005 where some real winnowing years for me. God revealed a lot about my sins of discontent, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, and lack of respect for my husband. Out of those years, God brought us to a new place in our marriage - it was just incredible. So, in 2006 and the first half of 2007, we were just growing and loving and communicating in such sweet harmony. Then, we got to Albania and I stopped working hard on being a godly helper for Kris. I was just trying to survive here. My attitude towards his him was, "Hey, I need your help more now because I don't know how to live in this country." I began to imprison him in the cage of my expectations - the expectations that he would do more work with the kids, spend time on romance, pick up the slack from the woman who had been discipling me for 4 years, do more around the house..., you get the picture. Of course, expectations are just pre-arranged disappointments because they are based on what "I" want and think "I" deserve. So, all that to say, our relationship took a big hit. Poor Kris, he was thinking, "What happened to that wonderful woman I was married to in the states.". This book was the kick in the pants that I needed and still need.

I think that being reminded by Debi that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God by serving my husband and making his life more productive was key for me. This is not a 50/50 marriage. It is a 100/0 marriage. I am called to serve him 100% of the time. I can cannot "expect" him to serve me. If he does, then great - it's a gift from God, but if I expect it, I will stumble on that rock and perish.

I made my list of ways that I can best help Kris and then I asked him the ways that I could help him best. Many of those things were the same - pray for him, keep the house picked up, and be a lover (Carolyn Mahaney says a man would rather have good sex every day and and a PB&J for dinner than a gourmet meal and listless sex). However, he also added that I can help him by doing the ironing more regularly, putting away the laundry, exercising (yikes!), being more consistent with discipling the girls, and following through on projects he has asked me to do (I sometimes just want to finish up what I am doing before I get to his agenda). So, with this list in hand, I have been trying be a better helper. I have made a list of times that I can pray for Kris - when I am making the bed I pray for his purity, when I am putting away the laundry I pray for him to be clothed with the Spirit and putting on the full armor of God, when I am doing the dishes I pray for his ministry and his job, when I am getting ready for the day I pray for our love and marriage to be reflect Christlikeness, etc..

I have shared these with you in hopes that you will keep me accountable to following up with them. I am a notorious great starter and then I fizzle out after a while. I will be praying for each of you and would ask the same from you. I sure need it!

So, my next blog entry won't be so long, I hope. I look forward to getting you all more over the next months and maybe getting to see you face to face when we are home on furlough in a few years.