Helpmeet--Ch. 2 & 3; Chelle

Here is a more recent photo of our family. This was taken in December 2007 here in Albania. Top row: Kaitlyn (11), Chelle (37), Kris (36) Bottom row: Sierra (7), Breanna (4 at the time), Whitney (8).

I came across a prayer in The Valley of Vision book on Wednesday called “The Family”. There was one section of the prayer that really struck me and has become one of things that I pray for in regards to my children. The author prays, “Let those that are united to me in tender ties be precious in Thy sight and devoted to Thy glory. Sanctify and prosper my domestic devotion, instruction, discipline, example, that my house may be a nursery for heaven...”. I thought that the attitude and focus of that prayer went so well with what we have been studying: how to be God-glorifying women in our homes.

These two chapters (from the Help Meet book) continue to challenge and encourage me each time I read them. This is the 4^th time I have read them and I was again convicted about how often I allow the circumstances around me to dictate my attitude instead of the Spirit of God living in me. The chapter on having a merry heart is so practical. A couple of things really stood out to me in this chapter:

1. “Who and what you are is reflected on your face.” (p 27) That really got me to thinking about the wrinkles and lines on my face – yes, they are settling in and making themselves at home. I noticed that the most predominant wrinkles are the “scowl creases” between my eyebrows. My mom used to always tell me not furrow my brow or I would get lines there. Well, I should have listened to my mother. I realize that just because I have these lines, doesn’t mean that I am a sad, angry or unhappy person by character, but it did drive home the fact that they are more prominent on my face than the “smile” wrinkles showing up next to my eyes. The obvious conclusion is that I scowl more than I smile. So, I began to be more conscious of my countenance and the body language I project to others. I was dismayed to discover that I frequently sigh, respond to interruptions with a curt answer instead of smile and express my discontent by being a big stick in the mud. The idea of singing and dancing while I sweep the floor (or make dinner or clean up the dishes, etc) may seem silly, but it really does change the whole demeanor of the house. I did an experiment this week. I made it a point to put praise music on in the morning, wake the kids up with a joyful song, talk with kids and Kris about how thankful I was for them and for what God had taught me that morning in my QT, respond with a smile when asked to help with something, and play and tickle and laugh more during the day. Well, sure enough all day the whole attitude in the house was one of happiness, fun, kind and thoughtful words and a general feeling of unity. Wow! What an enormous part MY attitude plays in directing the mood of everyone in my house.
2. “No man has ever crawled out from under his wife’s criticism to be a better man – no matter how justified her condemnations.” (p. 30). I am really good at being my husband’s Holy Spirit. I can convey to him my disapproval or disappointment with a look or a well placed sigh. What man really wants to come home from a day where he has been run ragged at work to be hammered with more harshness by his wife. A godly woman told me once that I needed to be a “soft pillow” for Kris at home. He needs to know that being with me is a safe place for him to unwind and decompress after a tough day. My sharp little jabs do nothing to change the situation, except make him less willing to open up and make our communication laced with tension. So I made a list of things that I could be doing to make him smile (as was suggested in the end of the chapter). They include being more playful in intimacy (not so hum-drum and boring), letting the chores go a little bit to play and wrestle with Kris and the girls, massage or tickle his back (without being asked), text message him some suggestive or fun “love notes” and then fulfill the promise later, and just relax. By the way, the text messaging thing is a really neat way to keep that feeling of mystery and liveliness going. Coming up with some code words for special or intimate things allows you to text and laugh together.

The chapter on a thankful spirit was just a confirmation of what I had been convicted of and trying put into practice from the previous chapter. They were a 1-2 punch. The quote, “Joy begins with thankfulness” (p 37) was a perfect bit to mull over all week. It is so easy to get caught up with the daily frustrations of not having power to heat up the house or water to bathe or to do the laundry, not being able to find parking hardly anywhere in the city so I have to walk a mile or carry all my groceries for blocks, and the list goes on. What I really need to focus on is – I deserve to go to hell and instead I get to go to heaven. That in itself will make all the “momentary, light afflictions” (II Cor. 4:17) return to their proper place. Having that attitude of gratitude has drastically changed my time with the Lord (instead of coming with my list of things that need to be “fixed”, I am focused on His glory and on praising Him), with my re-ship with Kris (instead of being weighed down by the worries and problems of my day, I am refreshed and thankful to help him bear the burden of his responsibilities), with my kids (instead of being short-tempered when they want to “help” with dinner or with some project I am working on, I am reminded of what a gift they are and how my house is to be a “nursery for heaven”) and with the people I come in contact with everyday (instead of seeming tired and overwhelmed with life, I reflect joy and peace that they can’t even comprehend – now that’s an open door for the gospel!)

Keeping my husband in my prayers all day long (and thanking God for Him instead of praying for God to change the flaws I see) is the best way for me to maintain a thankful and joyful heart towards Kris.

I did a study on joy for a couple of weeks, just to keep the momentum going, and a couple of verses that really helped and encouraged me were:

* Romans 15:13 – “Now may the God all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

* Psalm 43:4 – “Then I will go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding Joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God my God.’

* Psalm 16:11 – “You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” (italics mine)

I hope that when I die or when people are remembering what kind of person I am or was, they will say that I exuded the joy of the Lord and was always thankful. I don't want to be remembered as complaining, whining, or being too caught up in my schedule or agenda to enjoy life and all the blessings God continues to lavishly pour out in my life.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2 & 3; Jessica

11.07

In chapter two, I was, first of all, reminded to pray for my husband. Who knows how many strange women are lurking about his workplace? This phrase "strange woman" (used in the KJV) comes up again and again in Proverbs. In Proverbs 2:16, 6:24, and 7:5 it is said that one of her best tools in tempting a man is flattery. She is a smooth talker. I need to remember my best tool, as Debi writes on p. 31-

The tool of your warfare is your loving, kind, delightful, radiant, adoring self.

I also appreciate her counter-cultural approach to maintaining or restoring a good marriage: forget my rights! Tell that one to a feminist!

A couple of favorite quotes from the chapter:

God stands with you when you stand by your man... -p. 32

If you have reason to be hurt or discouraged and yet you sing with thanksgiving, this is a true sacrifice of worship to God.-p.34

In chapter three, I found this quote to speak volumes:

It is amazing how much your mouth controls your soul. -p.37

In a day and age that is very "emotions" saturated, where we hear so often, "I can't help the way I feel," Debi's reminder is very poignant. Our emotions do not have to control our thinking. By practicing the right attitude with our words we can re-train our thinking.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2 & 3; Jen

I'll be gone all day and all evening tomorrow so I decided to get my entry in today so that I wasn't terribly late...once the weekend hits it's difficult to get online for any length of time. I'm also posting a more current picture of our family for you. Oh ya, and forgive my dotted lines, for some reason blogger on this particular blog doesn't want to allow me any paragraph breaks. Strange.
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As I read this past two weeks I took notes in a note book and jotted down the things that stood out to me and also tried to answer the questions at the back of each chapter. Forgive me for being long winded....this was very therapeutic for me to take these notes. I appreciate the web-space to jot down these thoughts.
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Chapter 2~
Somewhere in this chapter she asked "Does your husband see you as a happy thankful woman?" It really made me think about myself. I think he does most of the time. He has said so but I know that I can always use improvement. It made me think about how happiness is only genuinely possible when I have thankfulness born from contentment. As I read chapter 3 I see how I was on the right track.
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In the Time To Consider she talked about the importance of smiling. It's amazing the power of simply a smile. I know women who rarely smile....like she mentioned in the beginning of the chapter...those who say they have the joy of the Lord but she wonders where they are hiding it. LOL. I realized that our face and our words are a display of our heart attitudes whether we intend them to be or not. Even if a grumpy face is an inaccurate display of our heart, it's still what is conveys to others.
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I also thought about through this chapter, that our natural (sin nature) responses are the ones most likely to drive our husbands away and in the meantime, as I've discovered with women I disciple, it completely embitters us towards him. Our responses to his actions and/or sin is really an opportunity for us to respond in godliness or sin.
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If my purpose is to be a godly wife doing everything I can to love, serve, and obey, it will leave little room in his heart to search elsewhere for his needs to be met.
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Pg 32 said "make sure you are looking radiant and delightfully in love." This encouraged me to work on taking care of myself. I know that a big theme in this book is to not look to yourself and to rid yourself of selfishness...I'm not implying that I need to eat bon bons and get a manicure every week....I just mean that in order to serve my family the best that I can, I can not neglect my own health. My health has been quite bad the past 2 years (heart problems and also diagnosed with a severe case of a disease unrelated to the heart problems). Severe pain, chronic pain, medications, and two surgeries later, I've put on weight, am out of shape, and am still in pain. I felt encouraged by this chapter to still do whatever I can to work hard at making myself radiant to my husband not only for my own sake but for his. When I asked him this past week what I need to work on, what he thinks my weaknesses are, what I need to do for him that I'm not doing, he said that the only thing that would really help is being healthy but that he knows I can't cure myself of an incurable disease. But that made me realize that how important it is to him to have me be the healthiest I can be to take care of him and the kids. Yes, I can't cure myself and yes, I'm limited in what I can do physically but I still need to do everything I can to be the healthiest I can be. I need to work on getting back into my exercising now that I'm almost recovered from my last surgery.
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Also from this chapter I felt encouraged to reintroduce some of the old romance we had in our marriage, especially the early years. I don't know about the rest of you but we are in the survival years of life....parenting! =0) My husband and I were talking the other night about how we used to do so many little romantic things for each other and how now that has turned into doing things for each other just to survive and get through the week. Instead of love notes we write down grocery lists for each other. Instead of a surprise little gift, it's the surprise bill to pay, instead of a planned spur of the moment outing together, it's the spur of the moment doctor visit with one of the kids. So, we've both been making an effort to bring back those little things into our marriage. This week I sent him a love note in the mail at work since the week before he said that he didn't even remember what my handwriting looks like since we always email. He loved the card and as a response bought me a little gift just because. I hope to surprise him next week with his favorite coffee drink at work from his favorite place. So, my goal is to try to come up with one thing a week....I've been brain storming and would appreciate any ideas from all of you too! =0) Baking his favorite things, preparing his favorite meals, unexpected back rub, notes in his lunch, his car, on his bathroom mirror, etc.
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I'm noticing that sometimes romance takes work and isn't convenient! I was also encouraged that Debi listed things in this chapter that I already do that I didn't realize made such a difference or meant so much. It was so nice to be encouraged with that! Hurray! I'm doing something right! LOL
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Chapter 3~ don't worry, I have less to write for this one.
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The thing that grabbed me the most was the contentment issue again....the "living with stained carpet" jumped out at me as I looked down at my terribly stained carpet! Don't you just hate that when an author writes something so specific to you! We bought a 4 year old fixer upper. Yes, only 4 year old house and we are the 3rd owners and it had been a rental. Yep, it's already a fixer upper and it came with stained carpet. We'd both love to tear it out and put in hardwood flooring but financially we have to save up for it especially since we are still paying off my surgeries. Anyway, it's hard enough for him to be content with it without my complaining about it. In my mind, my complaining was justified because we both agree that it's bad. I wasn't going against him but I was breeding discontentment and frustration when I could have been encouraging thankfulness and patience. It's funny how when we were first married I never expected much but somewhere along the road, discontentment made me expect more. In the early years, our little tiny apartment was all I needed but now I'm anxious about getting new flooring and the yard re-landscaped. So, I need to remember that contentment is the key to joy.
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The phrase "Queen of my heart" is special to me because that's what he used to call me. It just has new meaning now that I've studied this chapter.

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Using the Blue Letter Bible site that Jessica recommended, I was reminded of this verse that uses the same word for joy as it does in many of the verses Debi quoted having to do with "merry heart". Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house, [and to be] a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD."
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Hope you all have a wonderful weekend as you serve our Lord and your husband.

Helpmeet--Intro & Part 1; Donna

George and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary last summer, and have been blessed with 2 wonderful children Hanna (9) and Matthew (7).
Although I consider being a Wife and Mother my primary full time job I do work outside the home as well. I have been a Pediatric RN for over 18 years now, and work 1 to 2 days a weeks at Children’s Hospital.
I was raised in a Christian home, and attended church my entire life. I felt so blessed when the Lord sent me a Christian man that was strong and knowable in his faith.

When I first received the e-mail from Jan regarding this Book Study, I knew God was placing a huge billboard sign up saying “Read This Book” and so here I am ready to learn from Debi and all of you.

My thoughts on Chapter 1-

Two points that Debi made that really struck me personally.
· A good marriage, just like anything worthwhile, takes doing the right things every day…every hour…every moment.(page 20)
Honestly, I have days, hours and moments that I am just not being a good Help Meet to my husband. This is an area that I need to improve and make a priority.

· God made you to be a help meet to your husband so you can bolster him, making him more productive and efficient at whatever he chooses to do. (page23)
I need to remember that its whatever he chooses to do not what I want him to do.

At our discussion time we talked about ways we can serve our husbands. Here is my list that I am working on. For me this is a list in progress, as I'm continuing to learn more about my husbands needs even after 10 years of marriage.

1. Listen better with my full attention, and have an open heart.
2. Provide words of encouragement, and praise.
3. Spend my time wisely; keep our home clean, organized and peaceful.


Thank you Jan for organizing this book study and providing a forum for us to all learn from each other. I look forward to getting to know all of you better, and appreciate your willingness to be open and honest. I have taken a quick look at a few of your blogs and enjoyed every minute of your insight and love for your family. It’s always encouraging seeing wives and mother who absolutely love the role God has given them. All of you have been gifted with a beautiful ability to write and journal, your children will someday be grateful for this down the road. Keep it up, and teach others.

Helpmeet--Changes in Reading Schedule; Jan-Maree

As you will see there is a "Discussion Schedule" link directly under the Help Meet cover photo on the right side of the blog page (Thanks, Jen!)
I was looking at it and noticed that what I had posted on the blog schedule was slightly off from what I had jotted down on paper when planning the dates. I reviewed the differences and made some slight changes to both schedules.

Our last discussion will be on Dec. 5th -- perhaps we can plan to "celebrate" what we have learned and gather as a group for dinner or dessert or a Saturday morning breakfast (12/6-before the holidays get us busy)? More on that idea later.

So, for our March 28th discussion (which I hope is warmer weather) plan to have read through to the end of Chapter 3: A Thankful Spirit.

I am jotting down questions that are coming to mind at the end of the chapters. In particular I look forward to getting some advice on "joy" and a joyful spirit.

Blessings to you all this week!

Helpmeet--Intro and Part 1; Chelle

For those of you who don't know me, I am Stephanie Flower's sister, Chelle Stire. My husband, Kris (for 14 wonderful years) and our 4 daughters (ages 11, 8, 7, and 5) are missionaries in Albania. Albania is located right above Greece, in Europe. We have been privileged to serve here for the past 8 months. You can visit our blog www.stiretestimonial.blogspot.com to read more about our lives and ministry here and see some photos of us and Albania.

I am so very grateful to be able to be a part of this discussion with you. I have missed the sweet fellowship and interaction with like-minded women that challenge and spur me to be all God wants me to be. These past months have been, for me, a time of God removing lots of spiritual props that I relied on to gauge my spirituality and growth (church involvement - my husband was an associate pastor in Texas and I was the coordinator of women's discipleship and leader in the women's ministry, "good" quiet times, a schedule that was centered around helping my husband as he pastored and went to seminary, discipling women in our church, and raising our children). I have wanted to be a missionary for the past 31 years (since I was 6) and was absolutely thrilled when God led us to Albania. I knew that my idea of mission work was somewhat idealistic and so I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable difficulties that we would face. I expected the frequent loss of electricity and water, the extreme heat in the summer and cold in the winter (which are harder to deal with when you don't have water and power), the feelings of isolation because we are still learning the language, adjusting to a new church and friends, and learning how to live in a totally different culture. What I did not expect was how I would react to these things. There was never a question that I am a sinner, but I thought that I was more mature in the Lord (aren't all missionaries supposed to be super-spiritual? lol). I distinctly remember sitting in my kitchen a couple of months back reflecting on how I had been impatient, unkind, complaining, irritable, selfish, and lazy (and all of this that morning) and crying out to the Lord, "God, I thought I was stronger than this. I was more godly in America. What am I doing here?" Then, in a flash, it hit me. THIS is who I really am. The times of testing in new ways and dealing with pressure that I am unused to had just revealed what I had gotten good at hiding in my nice, manageable, controlled schedule and life in the states. I have felt that my personal walk with God, these past months, has been a journey to a foreign land. It has been me and God. Not me and God and my Bible study women and my discipler and my disciplees. Elisabeth Elliot said once that missionaries have to have a "sinewy faith". My faith sure has lots of baby fat on it and God is leaning me down to run the race with endurance.

So why am I sharing all this? It was during these dry and difficult times that God brought this book, "Created to be his helpmeet", into my life. One of the missionary wives gave it to me. She had bought it for all the wives on our team for a Christmas present, but she gave it to me 2 months early because she was tired of hearing my whining. In our 14 years of marriage, Kris and I have had our learning curves. The years 2004-2005 where some real winnowing years for me. God revealed a lot about my sins of discontent, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, and lack of respect for my husband. Out of those years, God brought us to a new place in our marriage - it was just incredible. So, in 2006 and the first half of 2007, we were just growing and loving and communicating in such sweet harmony. Then, we got to Albania and I stopped working hard on being a godly helper for Kris. I was just trying to survive here. My attitude towards his him was, "Hey, I need your help more now because I don't know how to live in this country." I began to imprison him in the cage of my expectations - the expectations that he would do more work with the kids, spend time on romance, pick up the slack from the woman who had been discipling me for 4 years, do more around the house..., you get the picture. Of course, expectations are just pre-arranged disappointments because they are based on what "I" want and think "I" deserve. So, all that to say, our relationship took a big hit. Poor Kris, he was thinking, "What happened to that wonderful woman I was married to in the states.". This book was the kick in the pants that I needed and still need.

I think that being reminded by Debi that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God by serving my husband and making his life more productive was key for me. This is not a 50/50 marriage. It is a 100/0 marriage. I am called to serve him 100% of the time. I can cannot "expect" him to serve me. If he does, then great - it's a gift from God, but if I expect it, I will stumble on that rock and perish.

I made my list of ways that I can best help Kris and then I asked him the ways that I could help him best. Many of those things were the same - pray for him, keep the house picked up, and be a lover (Carolyn Mahaney says a man would rather have good sex every day and and a PB&J for dinner than a gourmet meal and listless sex). However, he also added that I can help him by doing the ironing more regularly, putting away the laundry, exercising (yikes!), being more consistent with discipling the girls, and following through on projects he has asked me to do (I sometimes just want to finish up what I am doing before I get to his agenda). So, with this list in hand, I have been trying be a better helper. I have made a list of times that I can pray for Kris - when I am making the bed I pray for his purity, when I am putting away the laundry I pray for him to be clothed with the Spirit and putting on the full armor of God, when I am doing the dishes I pray for his ministry and his job, when I am getting ready for the day I pray for our love and marriage to be reflect Christlikeness, etc..

I have shared these with you in hopes that you will keep me accountable to following up with them. I am a notorious great starter and then I fizzle out after a while. I will be praying for each of you and would ask the same from you. I sure need it!

So, my next blog entry won't be so long, I hope. I look forward to getting you all more over the next months and maybe getting to see you face to face when we are home on furlough in a few years.

Free Word Study Tool; Jessica

At the end of chapter one, there are five words which Debi asks the reader to locate in the King James Bible. If you have a concordance, this is very helpful, but it can still be rather time consuming. A year or so ago, I started using the Blue Letter Bible website. I would like to give you some quick instructions on how to utilize this site for a fast and simple word study.

I will use the first word on Debi's list as an illustration: Virtue

(Because the Proverbs verses referring to women use the word virtuous, I decided to look for this word instead.)

On the main page of the Blue Letter Bible site, there is a search bar. The default setting for the Bible version should already be KJV. In that search bar, go ahead and type virtuous and click "search".

Now you have your list titled "KJV Concordance for -virtuous-"

Below this, you will find this notation: (virtuous) occurs 3 times in 3 verses in the KJV

Finally, you will see those three verses listed in their entirety. Ruth is called a virtuous woman in Ruth 3:11. Then we have the virtuous woman of Proverbs. Select your favorite verse. For this example, I will choose Proverbs 12:4.

Click on the "Pro 12:4"

Now this verse is displayed in consecutive order with all verses of chapter 12. See the little blue boxes to the left of each verse? You want to click on the blue C box next to Proverbs 12:4.

Here you will see an English/Hebrew word chart.

Click on the Strong's Concordance # [02428].


This is the final page for my example, and here is what we have been looking for:

Outline of Biblical Usage

1) strength, might, efficiency, wealth, army
a) strength
b) ability, efficiency
c) wealth
d) force, army

I enjoy these word studies because they really make a verse come alive. Most of us are familiar with these two Proverbs verses:

Proverbs 12:4- "A virtuous woman [is] a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed [is] as rottenness in his bones."

and

Proverbs 31:10- "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price [is] far above rubies."

But, now we know that virtuous means: strong, able, and efficient.

I find it helpful to read the verse to myself using some of these new words:

A [strong] woman is a crown to her husband...
An [able] woman is a crown to her husband...
An [efficient] woman is a crown to her husband...

I hope that you will be able to put this word study tool to good use!

Helpmeet--Intro & Part 1; Jill

Mike and I will celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary in October. I help him by laughing at his jokes, sharing his dreams and being his confidant and companion. He named our sons Fisher (2 years old) and Hunter (4 months old). He persuaded me to forgo the traditional house with a picket fence for living aboard a boat our first four years of marriage. Life with him is one "once-in-a-lifetime experience" after another. You can follow the Saad Family Adventures at http://www.babysaad.blogspot.com/.





From Chapter 1 I have learned that to help him most I need to set aside my household responsibilities from time to time and just go have fun! Our lifestyle is very non-traditional, especially among conservative Christians. I need to stop trying to justify, explain or excuse it to anyone because his opinion is the only one that should matter to me. Caring for our children needs to take second place to caring for him. His given name, Melek, means king and has earned him the fitting nickname King Saad, which he should be rightly treated as in our home.

Helpmeet--Intro & Part 1; Jan-Maree

Wow! What a blessed time our discussion was yesterday. I do hope that some of the ladies that were here yesterday do take some time to share on the blog what we talked about as a group.

I will start with a short introduction. All of you, at this point anyway, know a lot or a little about me already.

Jeff and I started dating when I was a senior in HS. We dated for 11 mo and got engaged Memorial Day prior to my graduating HS in June. We were engaged another 13 mo. In July '95 we wed in the 'garden' of my parent's home. I finished school at The Master's College and started teaching Pre-K in '99. Sept. 2002 we were gifted with our daughter and in May 2004 we were gifted again with our son.

As far as our relationship with one another has been these past 13 yrs., I would say there have been 2 specific "dry patches" in our marriage. The first was in the summer of 2000 (he was working a job that consumed him and I resented it) and the second was in the summer of 2007 (my priorities were whacked!). I recognized what needed to change, so I worked hard to consider our family first in my choices and it worked to temporarily mend the problem--we were on an upswing through the fall and winter. By this past January that mend needed re-enforcing; I wanted more! Through encouragement from a dear 'walking' friend, I sought counsel from a local Titus 2 Bible study leader. Even though I have only had limited time with her, as I sit here I would consider her one of the most influential women in my life! She definitely has impacted my life and our marriage for Christ!!
Between one our first 2 meetings, she gave me one of her CD's to listen to titled, "Fruit of the Spirit" Joanne Frank: Kindness, Gentleness, Respect" http://www.mobiltape.com/ . Early one Friday morning in February, I put the CD in and sat in my car with my blanket, coffee, and clipboard devouring every word as if it were food after fasting.
Why was this so monumental to my thinking? It did not seem like new concepts but they were because I have never implemented them into my daily life! I had slowly been blinded and deceived to how the world influences women and wives attitudes!
Joanne was like a slap in the face (a wake up call) for me! It was painful but so refreshing!! I will not soon forget the day that I decided to honor my husband exceedingly in EVERYTHING!!! The Lord used Joanne's experience and wisdom to teach me what the Lord expects from me as a wife. I am confident that she will be blessed and rewarded sweetly for answering her high calling of training and teaching us women who so desperately need to be taught, reminded, slapped (j/k), and redirected. I thank the Lord for the ease in which our paths crossed (longer story for another time and place).

So, enough of the past!! Let's move forward---and I am so excited to do so!

Our main area of discussion revolved around the question of, how have we figured out how to be a helper to our husband?

I have come to learn that it's not usually what I think is helpful or what I would appreciate. It's not easy to do some (or most) of the things that my beloved perceives as helpful. Even if I am not sure what he would like, I need to be a sleuth and discover that treasure! We have heard the phrase, "men are from Mars, women are from Venus". We speak different languages! Just like the love languages that are talked about,http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

we need to figure out (not just what makes him feel loved) but what also shows him genuine respect through our actions as a helper to him. :-)

I do not want to take away from "Flowersgirl" if she is planning to elaborate on this point (which I hope she does), but I appreciated her pointing out a line on page 23.

Debi writes, "Your excellence as a help meet to him may very well be God's plan for improving his leadership role in the family".

Debi also sites 2 verses that I appreciated reading (p. 22):

I Cor. 11:8-9, "For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man."

I Cor. 7:34, "There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband."

As far as being a helper to my husband, here are a few ways that I am joyfully serving him these days:
1. Being home and available.
2. Listening and caring about what he has to say.
3. Have the house orderly and the kids in calm and happy spirits when he arrives (he is not walking into conflict when he gets home).
4. Asking him if there is anything particular he wants done today, this week, this month.

We also have a family blog site...
"Bernards Family Endeavors"

Helpmeet--Intro; Stephanie

Jay, the king of my heart, and I were married 8 1/2 years ago. He works as Director of Communications for Grace To You, the radio ministry of our pastor; I am most blessed to be a full-time wife and mom at home. We have 2 delightful children, Madeline (3 1/2) and Mason (1). We have a family blog which displays our day-to-day life at http://www.flowersgirlgarden.blogspot.com/, if you'd like to see us in action.

I received Help Meet as a Christmas gift from my sister last December. I opened it with a very skeptical eye because I have read so many shallow, "psychologized", void-of-practical-application books on marriage; I was wary of reading another. To my surprise and relief, I read chapter after chapter of solid, biblical counsel and application. Debi Pearl has hit the proverbial nail on the head! When I read the last chapter and closed the book, I felt like I was saying goodbye to a most trusted friend, until I remembered that I could start reading it all over again! I can't put into words how God's Word, through Help Meet, has changed my life. But I will fumble through a few sentences and hopefully express my thoughts in a way that may strike a chord with you or spark a thought that you could share with me to smooth this most snarled path to a "heavenly marriage".

Because my husband is a "Command Man" (see ch. 8), the following statement in this first chapter (p. 23) put teeth in my active service to him:

"God made you to be a help meet to your husband

so you can bolster him, making him more productive

and efficient at whatever he chooses to do."

One of my greatest fears is that Jay will spend more time at work, thinking about work, stressing about work, not sleeping because of work. Why would God want me to support him in his effort to potentially damage himself or his family? (Of course this is flawed thinking.) Debi's biblical counsel is right on; God created Jay to work. And if I can bolster him, help him to enjoy his work more or be better at it, then he will be a more effective tool for Christ! What greater joy can I have than that I am sharpening a tool for the Lord's Kingdom work? Yes, it costs me something; but what did David say of his sacrifice to the Lord: "...I will not offer offerings to the LORD my God which cost me nothing." (2 Sam. 24:24) And my service to Jay is indeed a sacrifice of worship to God.

So, what does this mean on a Monday morning? Get up early. Pray 10 minutes just for him. Make him coffee. Make his lunch. Make sure the children are happy when he leaves and when he returns home (even though later than I expected). Have dinner ready (or at least in the making) and a smear of lip gloss on (or a stick of gum in my mouth, thanks Jan) when he walks through the door. Listen, listen, listen to the details of his day, no matter how short or long the oration may be. Don't ask too many questions. Let him check his email/text messages as many times as he wants without nagging. All of this, and more, helps him to do his job better and brings him satisfaction in his work. I'm being a good help meet to him, whether or not it brings me satisfaction.

After all, I was created to be his help meet, and that means doing for him what is helpful. Do I gain anything (besides early mornings and a spring-loaded seat)? Yes! "The LORD will repay each man for his righteousness and his faithfulness." (1 Sam. 26:23) "The reward of humility and the fear of the LORD are riches, honor and life." (Prov 22:4) "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)

Helpmeet--Intro & Part 1; Jen

August 19, 1995

Okay, so my introduction is that I'm Jen and I've been married for 12 years to a wonderful man. We have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. Our family blog is The Things We Say.
I'm excited to see what new things I can learn from this book to enhance my marriage (always interested in doing that) and to be an encouragement to other women. Thanks Jan, for "facilitating" this discussion group.

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Intro & Part 1:

I really like that this book jumps right into what a wife's role is rather than dragging things out with definitions of what marriage is, starting with Genesis. Seems like a lot of books explain over and over again the basics of marriage but I appreciate this author's approach...her cut to the chase approach is great!

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I thought it was interesting to look up the meaning of "virtuous" and find that it means "held in high estimation" which is why it's often translated "excellent". I could only find it used three times in the scriptures concerning value of a woman...once being said of Ruth and once being said of the ideal Proverbs 31 woman. Then a third time as a Proverb in Prov. 12:4 "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones."

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The question of "how I can be a help to my husband" is really huge for me. I've struggled with that for a long time because he is a pastor. Often "helping" him gets mixed in with serving the church but when my family and home come first this line can be blurry at times. He is often my greatest source of wisdom in this area....usually giving me guidance as to what should be the priority one day at a time.

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Other than the basics of managing my home, caring for the children, providing meals for the family, helping with the finances, running errands, etc....I find that the biggest help is just that I'm home. He finds great comfort in knowing that despite what crazy things happen in his ministry struggles, I'm home holding down the fort, keeping things organized, caring for the kids, waiting for his return each day with my arms open wide ready to take him into the comfort of our home as a refuge from the world. He has come in the house before and hugged me and said, "thank you for just being here". That phrase kind of sums up everything I do as a helpmeet for him.

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Worldly women today and even some in the church have lost the value of being a helper to their husbands. I'm encouraged to not lose sight of that and to press on even though other marriages are falling by the wayside as casualties of our modern world's thinking about women and their roles. I wish every woman could read and understand even this first section of this book. It would change the whole world! I also liked the quote Jessica shared. It reminds me of the truth about submitting to our husbands and when we ask ourselves "how" Eph. 5:22 answers us saying you submit to your husband the same way you do to the Lord. (as unto the Lord).

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So, I'm trying to make myself a student of my husband which for me means that I'm constantly looking for ways to serve him more. I'd be interested to know if the other gals that attend the study came up with lots of ways to serve their husbands....I'm up for more ideas. =0)

Introduction from a Help Meet, Jessica

10.11.97

Hello, Ladies! I thought it would be fun to give some brief introductions. It has now been ten years since I first became a help meet for Jake. We are the parents of an eight year old son and a nearly seven year old daughter. You may like to visit our blog sometime, "Our Family Highlights" to learn a little more about our family, and to view some more recent photos (we've changed a bit in 10 years!)

When our son was about six months old, I began to seek out some godly parenting advice, and that is when someone first mentioned No Greater Joy Ministries. I ordered To Train Up a Child, and read much of it aloud to my husband. We both agreed that we wanted to proceed with the principles and methods that were outlined in the book. We owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the Pearls for writing such a book and sharing it with us all.

I have received the free No Greater Joy Newsletter all of these years and I was very excited when there was first mention of Debi's work on a book for wives. I "pre-ordered" it and they mailed my copy out when it was hot off the press. It was, and continues to be, the best book that I have ever read on Titus 2 instruction for wives.

For our first scheduled reading (Intro & chapter 1) I found this sentence to really stand out above the rest:

"The degree to which you reverence your husband is the degree to which you reverence your Creator" - p.22

That has given me a lot to ponder! I look forward to hearing from more of you soon!

Encouraging Words

I recently was on Amazon.com and came across some of the comments that have been posted about our current read, Created to be His Help Meet. After reading some of them, I was a little discuraged; though I knew of a handful of trusted friends that have read the book and highly reccommend it. Since I had not read it personally (yet) I went to those trusted friends and asked for their opinions. Once I heard back from them, it was clear that this book was something I wanted to read and gleen from.

Here are some of what my dear friends offered to me.
"Yes, the book has been rather controversial in the Christian community. Some Pastors have told the women in their congregation that they are not to read the book!!! I, personally, agreed with most of the book and I think we both know women who have claimed that it was a life-changing, marriage-saving book.

In the same way that To Train Up a Child has infuriated some people, well this book has had the same result. I would say, however, that both the child training book and this Help Meet book have helped so many families (I am quite certain that for every negative review there are probably 10 positive reviews... if not more.)"

Another gal wrote,
"Wow. I am shocked, saddened, and angry by some of the comments that were posted about the book. You know me, Jan. I wouldn't promote a book that demeaned women, held that men can sin and women have to just take it, or said that most marriage problems are the woman's fault. It is true that I don't agree with some things that the Pearls hold to be true (King James version only, die-hard homeschooling, vaccinations, etc.). But their view of men, women, children, and the home is 'right on' in my opinion! Further, you know a lot about my marriage and the views I held before I married and after I was married for 8 years. You have seen the change that was wrought by God's work in my heart after reading Help Meet. If there are women in this world who think that ultimate submission to their husbands isn't God's path to blessing, then they are also wrong in their estimation about their level of submission to Christ Himself. Complete submission and service to your husband is submission and service to Christ; what your husband is doing with his leadership and walk with the Lord is not your (my) responsibility. Anyway, I have a lot more I could say about it all, but we'll save that discussion for another day or email.

If it's any consolation, the more correct John MacArthur is on any one subject, the more negative feedback and criticism he receives. He almost would rather have that kind of response than none at all b/c it gives him an accurate gauge on what people are really believing and how they are living out their theology."

There are many other encouraging notes/letters that were mailed in to Debi Pearl (author of Help Meet). They are posted in their newsletters and on their website.

Here are just three of the many testimonials which they've received (these were printed in their most recent newsletter):

Dear Mrs. Pearl,
I am a daughter who would like to thank you for writing Created To Be His Help Meet. When I read the letters from people who had read the book, I prayed that my mom would somehow get to read it. I was very surprised when someone gave her your book. Our lives have changed. Mom and Dad are acting so different, and I respect them both much more now. It’s like they love each other! I don’t know what’s in that book, but it must be good. – Thank you again, A reader’s daughter

I recommended your Created book to a dear friend in Ireland, and here is a portion of an email she sent to me: “Once again I must tell you - the Pearl book is still doing its rounds. One lady [said] that it has revolutionised her marriage and she has ordered her own copy. [One sister] has developed the saying, ‘a Pearl moment’ for times when she needs to submit! What a blessing it has been - there’d be nothing like it available here in Ireland!” – God bless, Jenn

Dear Debi,
Thank you for sharing your life and heart in Created To Be His Help Meet. Who would have guessed that a trip to the library could totally transform and ignite your marriage. I couldn’t wait to read your book. Instantly I started following your advice. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and had a great relationship, but now it is absolutely incredible. – Sincerely, H.C.

Helpmeet--Reading Time/Schedule

CREATED TO BE HIS HELP MEET

Introduction – Once Upon a Time
Part I – The Help Meet
1. God's Gift
DISCUSSION: Mar 14

2. A Merry Heart
3. A Thankful Spirit
DISCUSSION: Mar 28

4. Thanksgiving Produces Joy
5. The Gift of Wisdom
DISCUSSION: Apr 11

6. The Beginning of Wisdom
7. Wisdom—While There is Yet Hope
DISCUSSION: May 8

8. Wisdom to Understand Your Man
DISCUSSION: May 29

9. Finding Your Life in His
10. Reactions Define You
DISCUSSION: Jun 20

11. The Nature of Man & Woman
12. By Divine Appointment
DISCUSSION: Jul 11

13. The Great Mystery
14. King and Kingdoms
DISCUSSION: Jul 25

Part II – Titus 2
Eight Practical Game Rules
15. To Be Sober – 1
DISCUSSION: Aug 8

16. To Love Their Husbands – 2
DISCUSSION: Aug 29

17. To Love Their Children – 3
DISCUSSION: Sep 12

18. To Be Discreet – 4
DISCUSSION: Sep 26

19. Chaste – 5
20. Keepers at Home – 6
DISCUSSION: Oct 10

21. Good – 7
DISCUSSION: Oct 24

22. Obedient to Their Own Husbands – 8
DISCUSSION: Nov 7

23. To Obey or Not to Obey – That is the Question
DISCUSSION: Nov 21

24. Heirs Together in the Grace of Life
(and remaining pages)
Celebrating what we have learned!
DISCUSSION: Dec 5