Helpmeet--Ch. 9 & 10; Jessica

Chapter 9

Debi had very sound advice for the wife of the CPA (now dairy farmer.) Each of us in our own situation can fill in the blanks with this statement:

"Learn to really enjoy taking out the trash or milking a cow. You will be amazed at how God will fill you full of himself." -p.97

I have reflected upon this chapter when my husband has shared some of his ideas for the future. When he is thinking out loud, I have to be careful not to say "that will cost so much money to get started..." or "can that truly be successful?" I must try to always be his number one confidant and cheerleader, even when he is not doing something my way.

I am a homegrown Southern California "city" girl. It is sometimes hard for me to imagine more of a country lifestyle. Yet, as it looks right now, that is what the future holds for me. I happen to love warmth and sunshine, and our future state has long, cold winters. If I am to be my husband's helper, I will bundle up and learn to enjoy the snow. If I am to be his helper, I will learn to love the peace and quiet of a simpler way of life.

Chapter 10

Oh, how I desire to be transformed by the renewing of my mind! I try to do this most mornings as I read through some Scripture. I don't want to be the woman who was:

"...storing up in her heart an abundance of selfish thoughts." -p.102

and I really must be careful not to fall into this trap:

"In thinking he is wrong and you are right, you declare yourself wiser than he, more spiritual, more discerning, more sacrificial, etc. All this adds up to the obvious conclusion that you have assumed the role of leadership, teacher, and judge."-p.103

I have mentioned before that I married a Marine. He just left the country for two weeks and sometimes I find myself wishing that he would just check out of his unit and be done with all of it. That is the selfish me talking. When I start to think upon truth then I remember that this is who he is and I love that I married a real man's man. He has also served for 15 years, so if he stays in for just another five years then he will be eligible for a retirement.

The children are also learning to re-train their thinking through this time apart from their father. When he left, they cried. But, what I have been telling them (and it helps me, too) is that there are other American children who have fathers serving for months, or a year, or more- so we need to be grateful that our Marine will be gone for such a short time.

"No woman will ever have peace and joy until her mind is filled with goodwill toward her husband, and she is committed to becoming a good help meet for him." -p.103

Thus, when I kissed him goodbye, he knew that I was supporting him and that I am capable of holding down the fort here on the homefront.

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jan-Maree

Wisdom to Understand Your Man: A wise woman learns to adapt to her man.

I have considered writing to Mrs. Pearl and offering the suggestion that when (down the road if applicable) the book gets up dated or re-formatted that this chapter get moved to the beginning of the book!
I particularly enjoyed her personal thoughts of how the three types of men paralleled the Trinity.
As I was reading there were several points that stood out to me. I will share those and close with some personal thoughts of how I have identified my beloved and how I am blessed by him and also how I can be a better helpmeet to him.
· It was clear to me after reading this chapter, how (in the 13 yrs we have been married) I have been a curse to my husband (and of course a blessing, at times).
· I am thankful for her "KEY" point on pg 76: “Wisdom in knowing what you ‘bought’ when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be."
Though, I would not consider Jeff a “Mr. Command Man” by nature, there is some of that tendency at times and I am learning in what areas of life this blessing surfaces. Here are a few points that did apply that I need to remember (I will paraphrase)…
· Command men do more than is required (pp 77).
· I have to learn how to make a ‘proper appeal’ with out challenging his authority (pp 77).
· I have to earn/work my place in his heart by proving that I will stand by him, be faithful to only him, and obedient to him (pp 77).
· Many times when there is strife…it is because he expects obedience, honor and reverence, and he is not getting it (pp 79).
Now, Jeff certainly is not a “Mr. Visionary”, but there were still some great points that can be applied to any ‘type’ of man.
· Learning how to be flexible, and learning how to be loyal to your man…go with his flow (pp 81).
· “The way you think determines how you will feel, and how you feel influences the way you will act.” (pp 83)
If you have not figured it out yet, Jeff is a “Mr. Steady” through and through. Most of this section was eye opening! From the way that he views me to the way that others (who do not have Mr. Steady) view me, so much of this section was written just for me.
· I absolutely appreciate the simplicity of what Mrs. Pearl says here: “The women married to Visionary Men look at you in wonder that your husband seems so balanced and stable. The wife of Command Man marvels at the free time you seem to have.” (pp 86)
· “Let him be the one God made him to be: a still, quiet, thoughtful presence—for you!” (pp 87)
· His lack of [open boldness to spiritual things] may look like indifference. However he is like deep, deep water. The very depth makes the movement almost imperceptible, but it is, nevertheless, very strong.

As the chapter was closing, I appreciated Debbi’s detail in the wife’s power in making and breaking her marriage with the sections, “Ruination” Wife’s Summary and Successful Wife’s Summary.

My responsibility, as a wife of a Mr. Steady, is to readily acknowledge what a friend, lover, and companion I have been given. Remembering, to give him verbal affirmation and gratitude for his hard work, support, listening ear, comfort, and quiet presence!

“When she stops trying to change him, he will grow…” pp. 92

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jessica

Over 3 years ago, before the Help Meet book was released, the Pearl's posted a large portion of this chapter in their bi-monthly newsletter. I was so intrigued with Debi's perspective on the three types of men! At that time, I learned that my husband was about 80% Mr. Steady, with a little Mr. Command and a little Mr. Visionary mixed in.

"If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow." -p.76

I have found this to be so true! I am amazed to think about all of the positive changes in my husband's life over the past couple of years. Although he is far from perfect (like his bride), I have watched him develop into a more balanced blend of all three "types." He has become more of a visionary and so now I would say that he is about 40% Mr. Steady, 40% Mr. Visionary, and 20% Mr. Command.

On Christmas Eve 2006, my husband was involved in an on-duty motorcycle collision. Amidst surgeries and recoveries, while he had much time at home, the Lord began to move in his heart. One of his first visionary steps was to say that he wanted to begin home-churching. That was more than a little frightening for me, because I had never known anything other than going to a church building every Sunday. Now, over a year later, I can look back and see how much we have grown in the Lord and what a blessing it is to gather in a small home assembly.

Over the past year, it became more and more evident that my husband would never make a 100% recovery (which would be required for continuing his present career.) For someone who never thought he would enjoy anything more than being a police officer, the Lord has given him hope and vision for the future! He is now excited about a new beginning. Our family is about to undergo many transitions, as my husband desires for us to live on a large piece of property outside of California. His hope is to eventually have a home-business. These are just a couple of the upcoming steps on our new journey! It is now up to me to be flexible and loyal (per Debi's instructions on pgs. 81, 84)

My husband is a Command Man when he needs to be (he is a Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps Reserves and is accountable for 100+ Marines and Sailors in his unit.) He is also in Command at home with the children when necessary, but he does not have the "deficit in gentleness" that Debi writes about (p. 77).

In the final pages of the chapter, I was grateful to be reminded that I should not take his "steady" traits for granted.

I look forward to hearing from the rest of you on what you learned about your husband as you read through this chapter.

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jill

I have a command man, and knew it all along. The key to our marriage is my obedience *smile*. Since beginning this study I have seen his reactions improve based on the degree of reverence I show him. I think of it as the neck turning the head… I CAN have a happy marriage, IF I obey him.

Chapter 8 is now required reading for all my close friends so they can recognize the differences in our roles as wives. They will be better equipped to exhort and encourage me when they understand my husband has very different desires and expectations of me than their Mr. Steady husbands do of them. As my husband tells me “Jill, you didn’t want normal” and that’s true.

Debi says our son’s personalities can be detected before age one. I have a 2 ½ year old command man. He comes by it honestly with a command daddy and two command grandfathers. Does anyone have advice on how to mother this personality?

Helpmeet--Ch. 8; Jen

This was the best chapter yet for me. Incredibly enlightening! I wish I had read this chapter before I got married...that would have been super helpful! Not only has this been really helpful in understanding "who" my own husband is but super helpful in understanding other women's husbands especially when I'm trying to encourage those other women. God continues to show me that there is so much I have to learn! Very humbling to read this chapter.

I need to go back and read this chapter over again...it's just way too good. How does Debi Pearl know all this? She must of did some studies on men or something. I think that one of the things I really learned from it was that each of the three types of men can have good traits about them even though their weaknesses can seem over powering at times. LOL. or at least they seem overpowering to us women at times. I have had a hard time understanding how certain men I know that are "command men" can have anything good about them until I read this chapter and understood how a command man can be honoring to God in his marriage, work, and life. That gave me hope when it comes to a few friends that I'm trying to encourage them in their marriages. So, all to say, it's helpful to see the weaknesses of each type and also the ways in which those types can each glorify God and use their personalities for the best not the worst.

It was super enlightening, convicting, and comforting to associate my own husband with one of the three types. Suddenly I saw ways over the past 12 (almost 13) years that I've hindered or nagged him...working against his nature rather than being his perfect helpmate. Suddenly I saw how his personality can be good....or how his "man type" is a blessing not only to me but honors God. After reading it I felt like saying "whoops!" after all these years. It not that I intentionally was working against him but in my naiveness I didn't appreciate that part of him and didn't work to compliment it the best that I could. I feel so much more comfortable in my marriage now after reading just that one chapter. Wow. God is amazing. Wow, I'm slightly dumb!

I thought for a long time if I should say on here what "type" my husband is and I've been waiting to see if anyone else posted on this chapter so I could see what they said. I wish I could have been there for the group discussion to hear all the ladies' give input into these different types of men. I trust that it was an incredible discussion! So, I'm wondering, did anyone think about women in light of this chapter? Are there 3 type of women? If there are, I'm the command woman. If you can imagine....command woman married to steady man....ya, that's us. Crazy hard that way. I just never knew that steady man had a name....I've just always called him "obedient soldier"...that's the name my co-worker called her husband who was just like mine. She being married longer had already identified his personality and found that all her nagging in the world couldn't force him to make a quick spur of the moment decision and when everyone else was treating him poorly and injustice in the world was crashing down all around them, he would persevere, serving others as the obedient soldier. Well, I'm super grateful now for my obedient soldier...my steady man. Now I can finally learn to compliment steady man and stop driving him crazy! LOL.

Well, I'd love to hear if the rest of you liked this chapter and if anyone felt enlightened by it! =0)