Comments from Jill

Jill posted this under "Comments" and most of you may have already read it, but I wanted to highlight it rather than it being tucked into the "comment" section b/c I think it's so powerful!

Jill writes:
Sorry for not posting sooner. I haven't kept up with the reading and did not have any insights to share. I sent the question on to a friend who had this to say:

As women we are called by God to be helpers to our husbands. The wife of a Command Man must to approach this calling with more caution than other women with different situations. She must understand that having a Command Man for a husband does not give him immunity from biblical exhortation, reproach and discipline. She must also understand that there are certain situations where she is expected, as are all wives, to deliver loving biblical exhortation and reproach to him. The wife of a Command Man must be fervent in prayer, gifted in gracious influence, gentle in exhortation and respectful in the reproach of her husband. She must find the most appropriate and respectful way to deliver such reproofs and exhortations to her particular husband. If a godly wife refrains from speaking the truth in love, her Christian husband will be deprived of one of God's greatest provisions for his own spiritual growth - the words of encouragement and exhortation of his own wife. Her goal must be to restore her husband to right standing with God while not undermining his headship and authority of the home.

When a Command Man takes his leadership gifts and distorts them he can become the worst sort of husband, father and man. Instead of harnessing his strengths to serve the Kingdom of God he will use his strengths to control his little "kingdom of command man" which includes his loyal subjects: wife and children. He will sin by making himself an idol. As many of us have observed, Command Man will abuse his authority in the home by behaving like a dictator. He will use verbal, emotional, and some times physical abuse to achieve his ends. He will use fear, intimidation, and manipulation to maintain control. This is not what God intended for marriage or for families to look like.

When a Christian wife quietly endures continual, long term abuse of any form at the hands of her husband in the name of biblical submission she is demonstrating an incomplete understanding of God's word, the Gospel and God's plan for the family. Please understand that I am not suggesting that her husband's sin is her fault or that she is bringing it upon herself. She must understand that for he protection, God has placed several levels of help within the Christian community. These forms of protection include Godly family members, friends, church leaders such as elders and lastly law enforcement. When any man is sinning against his wife, she must follow steps to biblical restore him, first by reproving him in private, then bring the matter before others (Matthew 18:15-17) and lastly taking him to the highest levels of governing authority if he does not repent. In The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace says, "If a husband threatens physical abuse or is sinning against his wife by verbally attacking her, she should not hesitate to involve her church's leadership to initiate the process of church discipline, or contact the governing authority (if appropriate). Letting her husband bear the consequences of his sinful behaviour at the hand of either church or governmental authorities is an act of loving obedience to God since God Himself has appointed these authorities for her protection."

A woman who is in this situation has many special and specific needs. She may not fully understand what God's word says about husbands, wives, submission and sin. It is also likely that she is filled with self-doubt and unable to see her situation clearly because years of control and manipulation have distorted her view. She may be fearful of her husband's response to any action she takes and also fearful about what the ultimate consequences of her actions will lead to. Women is these situations are especially in need of mature Godly women to come along side them. They need loving encouragement, biblical counsel, and exhortation. If willing they may need professional help from church elders and biblical counselors. Ultimately these women may also need help with finances and housing if a short or long term separation occurs.

For further reading and more in depth biblical reference I would highly recommend reading Martha Peace's book, The Excellent Wife. In section three titled A Wife's Submission she addresses submission, God's protection for wives, steps to give a biblical reproof, and many other sub-topics related to this sort of situation with excellent biblical references.