First off, I didn't get any feedback on the comments I made last week or so, which lead me to skipping ahead in the book, searching for some more solid examples of "drawing the line" and I did indeed find them and was very satisfied with what I read (once again!). =0) I think the main thing I'm finding is like Jan quoted below...that good marriages (Godly marriages) are ones that both husband and wife are striving to obey God and have a Biblical marriage. When we see only one striving then things get confusing and difficult to diagnose.....but in the case where they are both failing miserably it's pretty easy to figure out why the marriage is failing. I felt really encouraged this week as I studied ahead a little and was reassured about when a man (most often "command man") is stepping over the bounds of what is Biblical and worthy of submission.
Okay, on to chapter 13.
I agree totally Jan, Judy's story WAS shocking....which again, reading ahead a little I was happy to see that the Pearls do think that a woman who's husband is unfaithful does have cause to protect herself (in the very least from Aids). It gets confusing for me sometimes when I read how passionate they are about the wife submitting, what seems at times to be "no matter what" which is why reading ahead really helped clear the mud for me on those issues. I think it IS amazing that a woman can go against the tide of society and stand by her wayward man despite who he is. Amazing! What an example to us. I have a friend right now who's husband has announced that he's gay and she had to go get an Aids test done. They have two children under the age of 3 and yet so far she is sticking with him. Her test came back negative which was a praise but it seems there is more damage to deal with emotionally than there is physically. I wonder sometimes if she's just doing it for her kid's sake....what a testimony to her children.
On the bottom of page 128 I was comforted to read this favorite verse of mine, Proverbs 16:3 which says, "Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established." I've often counseled women who are struggling with loving/submitting to their husbands and I've encouraged them to do what is right and find ways to show love and then the feelings will follow. Obeying God by doing what we are called to do will endear our hearts with time. That is an amazing concept to me but it works. I've done it in my life and it's super hard but it works. It's also a great way to keep out bitterness.
The bottom of 129 says "we have been tricked into believing that our husbands have committed offenses against us, all the while thinking that we are more spiritual because of the insights we have." The first part of this statement reminds me of another book I read that talked about how women give their husbands "love tests" all the time. We set the expectation up in our mind (which he knows nothing about) and then if he doesn't meet the expectation he fails the love test. It goes like this. In my mind "if he loves me, he'll put the toilet seat down (or fill in your own expectation....close the cabinet, take out the trash, etc.)." Of course, you don't tell him what you are expecting or that you want him to do xy or z. So, the day goes on and he doesn't put the toilet seat down. I decide in my mind, "yep, I knew it! He doesn't love me!" That's a love test and us women are known for them. A few chapters back there was a quote that went along with this very same section that said something like "he practices his faults, you practice your bitterness and you are both on your way to divorce." Ouch!
I really liked the section on page 131 titled Comfort Zones. I think a lot of women (including myself as a young bride) in ignorance don't understand this about men....they really do care, they really do need us more than we think, they are emotionally dependant on us and the home we create for them.
The testimony of the girl named Sunny really spoke to me as well. What a witness she was to her husband. She made poor choices but chose to take responsibility for it rather than view herself as a victim which is oh so tempting.
I noticed through reading this chapter and the last page Time To Consider section that it's hard to actually take the steps to show esteem for my husband. It's easy to say with words that I believe in being submissive but when it really comes down to doing it (especially when I want my own way) it's super hard! Even saying things to praise him in public is difficult for me because I always think it sounds corny since it's rare that you ever hear a wife praise her husband. I do lots to his face but in public I always feel like I sound corny or sarcastic when I'm really trying to sound genuine. I guess it's just an awkward thing that I have to get over and keep working at. I do keep doing it even though it sounds weird coming out of my mouth....maybe with time it will become more natural. =0)
I'm trying to get caught up on all my bible studies I'm involved in this summer so I'll try to post chapter 14 as well soon.
5 comments:
Jan and Jen,
I am sorry I have been absent from this blog lately. Our days are getting full with planning for the move, packing, and seeing different family members before we leave.
I have finished reading chapter 13 and 14 and I will try to post on them soon.
Jen, I can relate to what you're saying about the public praise. It often feels awkward. Jake is also reluctant to receive the praise much of the time... but I know that he needs to hear it anyway :)
Totally understand! If I were moving there is no way I could keep up with it either! Very excited for you guys and your big move! I'll pray that all goes well as you endure the process. I look forward to when you are settled in and can post lots of pictures of your new home, new town, and share lots with us! Can you stop by our place on your way? Just kidding, I know it's totally out of the way. I just feel quite bonded to you.....
Hi Jen, Jessica, Jan and any others still reading,
Sorry for not posting sooner. I haven't kept up with the reading adn did not have any insights to share. I sent the question on to a friend who had this to say:
As women we are called by God to be helpers to our husbands. The wife of a Command Man must to approach this calling with more caution than other women with different situations. She must understand that having a Command Man for a husband does not give him immunity from biblical exhortation, reproach and discipline. She must also understand that there are certain situations where she is expected, as are all wives, to deliver loving biblical exhortation and reproach to him. The wife of a Command Man must be fervent in prayer, gifted in gracious influence, gentle in exhortation and respectful in the reproach of her husband. She must find the most appropriate and respectful way to deliver such reproofs and exhortations to her particular husband. If a godly wife refrains from speakin gthe truth in love, her Christian husband will be deprived of one of God's greatests provisions for his own spiritual growth - the words of encouragement and exhortation of his own wife. Her goal must be to restore her husband to right standing with God while not undermining his headship and authority of the home.
When a Command Man takes his leadership gifts and distorts them he can become the worst sort of husband, father and man. Instead of harnessing his strengths to serve the Kingdom of God he will use his strengths to control his little "kingdom of command man" which includes his loyal subjects: wife and children. He will sin by making himself an idol. As many of us have observed, Command Man will abuse his authority in the home by behaving like a dictator. He will use verbal, emotional, and some times physical abuse to acheive his ends. He will use fear, intimidation, and manipulation to maintain control. This is not what God intended for marriage or for families to look like.
When a Christian wife quietly endures continual, long term abuse of any form at the hands of her husband in the name of biblical submission she is demonstrating an incomplete understanding of God's word, the Gospel and God's plan for the family. Please understand that I am not suggesting that her husband's sin is her fault or that she is bringing it upon herself. She must understand that for he protection, God has placed several levels of help within the Christian community. These forms of protection include Godly family members, friends, church leaders such as elders and lastly law enforcement. When any man is sinning against his wife, she must follow steps to biblically restore him, first by reproving him in private, then bring the matter before others (Matthew 18:15-17) and lastly taking him to the highest levels of governing authority if he does not repent. In The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace says, "If a husband threatens physical abuse or is sinning against his wife by verbally attacking her, she should not hesitate to involove her church's leadership to initiate the process of church discipline, or contact the governing authority (if appropriate). Letting her husband bear the consequences of his singul behaviour at the hand of either church or governmental authorities is an act of loving obedience to God since God Himself has appointed these authorities for her protection."
A woman who is in this situation has many special and specfic needs. She may not fully understand what God's word says about husbands, wives, submission and sin. It is also likely that she is filled with self-doubt and unable to see her situation clearly because years of control and manipulation have distorted her view. She may be fearful of her husband's response to any action she takes and also fearful about what the ultimate consequences of her actions will lead to. Women is these situations are especially in need of mature Godly women to come along side them. They need loving encouragement, biblical counsel, and exhortation. If willing they may need professional help from church elders and biblical counselors. Ultimately these women may also need help with finances and housing if a short or long term separation occurs.
For furthar reading and more indepth bibilical reference I would highly recommend reading Martha Peace's book, The Excellent Wife. In section three titled A Wife's Submission she addresses submission, God's protection for wives, steps to give a biblical reproof, and many other sub-topics related to this sort of situation with excellent biblical references.
WOW Jill! That was AMAZING! Please thank your friend a million times over and I thank you a million times over. When I didn't hear back from you I figured you were busy with summer and I can relate to how that goes! =0)
I'm going to print this to keep in my copy of Created to be His Help Meet. This describes the woman that I counsel and it is a huge help to be reminded of these things. I've read Martha Peace's book several times and yet, the heavy hand of Debi Pearl confuses me sometimes about drawing the line on what submission looks like. Like I found in the end of the book (there is a section that Michael Pearl writes as well in there) there is a point where a husband is abusing his authority and the wife needs to pursue her protection from him. Again, this was all so helpful as I need to be reminded of these truths and I appreciate the help "figuring out" exactly where the Pearls stand on the issue. I can't tell you all how enriching this whole study with you has been.
And, on the other hand, this whole study has given me a new appreciation for command men in general...I hadn't realized before this book how great they CAN be! I'm so greatful for any study that grabs hold of me and shakes me till my thinking changes! I love that kind of pain!
I know a lot of you haven't been able to keep posting on the blog, but it sure does benefit the rest of us. If you haven't posted in a long time, just consider what a blessing/ministry it is to the rest of us...even if all you can do is post every once in awhile....even if you skip chapters, and even if it's short. Okay, ya, I'm begging here. I don't have an older Godly woman to mentor me in my life/church....as a pastor's wife I tend to be the one people call or come to and I feel so weak and drained a lot of the time. I so appreciate Jan setting this up so that I could benefit from some other Godly Christian women who have so much wisdom from their lives to share. Please consider jumping back in now that the craziness of summer is almost over and Fall with it's life routine is coming back. =0)
If not, blessings.....blessings on your weeks as you serve your Lord and husbands!
I, too, am sorry for not posting more often. Sometimes it's days before I can even check my email, let alone sit down to thoughtfully write a comment or response after a chapter. But I admire you gals for being so diligent to blog. And I really appreciated Jill's friend's words about the Command Man...words that I can benefit from daily. I do hope to contribute more faithfully. Steph
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