Helpmeet--Ch. 4 & 5 - Chelle

OK all, I am sorry that I am so late in posting this. Things have been busy since our trip to Montenegro. Thank you for your prayers for us. I had quite a few opportunities to practice our lessons on smiling and having a thankful and joyful spirit over the past couple of weeks. We have had a bout with head lice from an Albanian family. It was worse because I got it - and my hair is quite long. It took about a week to rid our heads, our house and all cloths of these bugs. I had, what I call "lice lessons". I have also been reading Respectable Sins, by Jerry Bridges, and together with the Helpmeet book have been convicted about how complacent I am about the "small" sins in my life. So, I was sitting in my chair one morning reflecting on how God never does anything without a purpose and wondering what all the hours of dealing with lice was meant for in my life. Then I thought about how many hours I did spend to get rid of them and how disgusted I was to have even one on my head. I was desperate to be done with them. I thought about how my sin is even more disgusting and has greater ramifications that an epidemic of lice on 5 female heads (only 2 of us got it - praise God). I am not nearly as vigilant to deal with the sin or even the "eggs" or seeds of that sin that I see in my life. I spent hours (literally) picking through Breanna's head and I asked Kris to do the same for my hair. At any little itch I was checking for lice. If only I was so sensitive to the slightest "itch" of my flesh and dealt with it even to the point of asking others to pick through my life to find the hidden and often camaflogued sin. How would my life be different? The hours I spent to deal with a bug show how much more concerned I am about my physical appearance (I didn't want to cut my hair) than my spiritual walk (I have a hard time spending 30 minutes a day in prayer). This all cut me to the core. Thank God for lice! Hopefully, I am learning this lesson so I don't have to go through it again.

Well, on to the book.

In chapter 4 I just loved the story of Debi and her husband with the trash. I have read that story to a couple of friends and think of it often. It is so true of how the small things can either get me bitter and frustrated or give me fodder for play and fun. How silly we can be that we allow the trash bags of life to get us down in the dumps. :-) I had someone ask me last week if I was happy here in Albania. Because I have been studying this book I was reminded that a thankful heart produces joy and makes life more enjoyable. However, I realized that my happiness is different here. In the states it was more incidental. There were things, like my church, my friends, the ease with which I could do things there, my car, fast food, and silly things like good milk and string cheese, that lent to my happiness and made life just good. It was a wind-in-your-hair, sunny day kind of happiness. Here many of those things are gone or are just different and I realize that I am laughing less, playing less, enjoying the small things that make life sweet less. I am learning to find my joy and happiness in God instead of those things that are so transient. It has been a good lesson for me. I am also concentrating on saying those "thank-you's" to God all day long and I have found that the more carefree and happy me is coming around more. It is true, "JOY IS THE RESULT OF A THANKFUL HEART." Pg 47

Chapter 5 - I think that all women have asked the questions at the beginning of the chapter in some form or fashion. For me, they have been complaints and self-pity disguised as prayers to God. Yes, there are some legitimate times that I have cried out to God for help when I have been unjustly hurt, but those times are very few and far between. Most times I am being too sensitive, playing the martyr, carrying the hurt from past issues that just add fuel to the current fire, or having expectations that I have no right to lay on him. At those times my, "O God, please change him" prayers are in large part ease my pain. I need to be more focused on how I am responding in those situations - not just in my actions, but in my reactions and attitudes. I see that I am good at sucking it up and dealing with his "sin", but I don't let love cover those. I fool myself into thinking that my love is covering those, but instead my self-righteousness has just swept it under the rug to be pulled out later and examined when I want to have a reason to feel hurt or deny him the happy and giving wife he wants. I begin to think, "How can you expect me to give you real intimacy in bed (not just a warm body) or get your drink or massage your back or whatever, when I feel that you have been uncaring, harsh, less than understanding or romantic?" Those are VERY dangerous thoughts and need to be dealt with as the sin that they are. They are the seeds of discontent that grow into weeds of bitterness. It is hard work to remember that "I am the worst sinner I know" (CJ Mahaney), and to give Kris the grace that I have been given by God. I desperately want my marriage to reflect the relationship Christ has with the church to the watching world around.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2/3 & 4/5; Jan-Maree

I recognize that I have yet to contribute to the blog on chapters 2-5! I feel as though I have so much to think about and work on; I get overwhelmed with sitting down and typing it all out in addition to hosting the group.

I want to first say that I am really enjoying our meetings that we have had thus far (3). The first meeting on the Introduction and Chapter 1 (which I have already posted thoughts on) was so encouraging to me! I was amazed at the turnout and interest that I saw. It is awesome to see and share similar interests with those whom I am in friendships with.

This week I was encouraged by my mentor, Joanne, to meditate on the following verse,
"And let us not grow weary while doing good for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Gal. 6:9

With that said, below I will attempt to consolidate my thoughts on these 2 past discussions. (CH 2 & 3 and CH 4 & 5)

Chapters 2 & 3

What I was encouraged by:

· "A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance…" Pr. 15:13

· Joy is visible…Thankfulness is how you think; joy is the abundance it produces…Act like the queen of his heart J

· Your negative responses are not going to make your carnal husband suddenly be the mature man who does what he ought. 'No man has ever crawled out from under his wife's criticism to be a better man—no matter how justified her condemnation.'—pp.29

What I was confronted by:

· He needs to hear gladness and appreciation in my voice.—pp.31

· I can stand on my rights and stand on truth, but it won't [help] save my marriage…

· A woman holds her man with the fragile threads of adoration, thankfulness, delight, and just plain fun.—pp. 31

· A man's spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him and manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react with anger.—pp.33

What I was educated by:

· If you have a reason to be hurt or discouraged and yet you sing with thanksgiving, this is a true sacrifice of worship to God.—pp. 34

"Let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving and declare His works with rejoicing." Ps. 107:22

· A wise woman…knows that a lighthearted home relieves her husband of stress.—pp. 35

Chapters 4 & 5

What I was encouraged by:

· …be the woman who honors, obeys, and loves Jesus, by honoring [my] husband.—pp.47

· I serve Christ by serving my husband, whether he deserves it or not.—pp.50

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." Jms.1:5

· In Ps. 37:3-8, I can apply this to my man and my marriage…

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret—it only causes harm."

What I was confronted by:

· Viewing myself as the wife/woman God gave my man—a GIFT, a PLAYMATE, his HELPER.—pp.43

· A gift is something you receive that has not been earned or merited.—pp.55

· Joy is lacking in a woman's life b/c she is not thankful.—pp.48

· Traits of a GOOD HELP MEET—pp.48

1. She is joyful

2. She makes love fun

3. She is thankful and content

· There will be times in my marriage when it will take faith and wisdom to believe that God is good, kind, and just in His command for you to submit to your husband in everything.—pp.54

"Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." Eph. 5:24

What I was educated by:

· Joy begins with thankfulness… "Our delight did not happen b/c he is…the perfect man…or b/c he 'loves me like Christ loves the church'…nor b/c he is a strong spiritual leader…nor b/c he does the right things…it happens and continues to happen b/c of the choices I make every day."—pp. 43

· Being grateful and thankful is the key to spiritual victory.—pp.46

· Having the heart of, "God, I know your Word teaches me to be a woman who is there to help meet all of my husband's desires and dreams, make me that woman." This eternal vision will change your mind, thus changing your actions, and, most importantly, it will change your reactions.—pp.49

· In Eph. 5:24, God's command to that woman is not hinged on the man loving his wife as Christ loved the Church.—pp.54

Helpmeet--Ch. 4 & 5; Jen

I see that I'm not the only one behind on this week thankfully. My daughter and I had the stomach flu for a week and then we had a family funeral and emergency to tend to out of state for a week so I got behind. I'm back home now and trying to get caught up on everything. I did study while I was gone and took a lot of notes. I hope I'm not the only one long winded this week. =0)

Chapter 4

I really liked the subtitle of this chapter. I feel like that would be a great marriage or life creed to live by. "Live with thanksgiving, forgiveness, and joy, and enjoy all your moments as if they were your last." Isn't that great!?

I could really relate to Debi saying things in this chapter like "I made sure he felt my bitterness..." and things like that. Funny how as women there is a universalness (is that a word?) about us...how we respond to our husbands poorly at times. I like where she said, "I'M SMART, I've learned to like....." and then I filled in my own ending to that sentence many times. I have a friend who is raising her four children in an apartment and she shared with me that she has this little quote on her nightstand which says, "God's will for my life is more important than where I live." Through the years I've learned to finish that sentence my own ways as well especially in my marriage when it comes to submitting. "God's will for my life is more important than........" you fill in the blank.

I like that Debi points out the need our husbands have of someone to play with. If that's a need, then I want to fulfill it. I don't want to leave that need unmet so that he has to find someone else to fill that void. I don't want to give him any reason to look further for his needs to be met.

Laughter makes life easier to climb. I've got to write that down and put it somewhere like my fridge or bathroom mirror. My husband by nature is the melancholy type and very serious most of the time. Although he does have a recognizable laugh that is from his gut and so loud and whole hearted that friends and family always get a kick at hearing his laugh in the distance. But, I've learned that in order to respond well to HIS nature, I need to be the "happy guru" in our family. I often tease that I am and he knows it's true. I'm the parent that has to facilitate "fun, silliness, laughing, smiles, etc." I'm so glad I was able to recognize this early on so that I was able to compliment him so well in that way. I love that Debi is encouraging me in this area...keep on laughing, keep on bringing happiness. To my pleasant surprise, through the years, I've rubbed off on my husband in this area a bit. Like Debi says in the beginning of this chapter "you have much more control than you know!"

I can choose to feel like my husband lets me down in that area and breed bitterness or I can compliment his weakness (making myself the perfect match for him) and bring him, my children, and myself great memories and joy by choosing to smile. I think this thinking can be applied to several areas of my marriage and life.

I think as young brides we tend to look at what our strong, protecting, providing husbands will do for us rather than evaluating what he lacks or is weak in and figuring out ways in which we can compliment him or make him stronger in. It reminds me of the marriage creed I decided to live by a long time ago that I found in a book somewhere.... it goes like this:

"In serving the Lord your primary purpose and role each day is to help
(insert husband's name), share in his responsibilities, to respond to his
nature, and to wholeheartedly cooperate with him in God’s plan for your life
together."

I just love that.

I love where Debi says that their delight and good marriage didn't happen because of how perfect her husband was but because of choices she made. Wow, what responsibility that brings to us as wives.

I so do NOT want to be partners in stress and bitterness but rather heirs in the grace of life. How else are we a team, taking on the world together?!

"A healthy relationship with a man inspires our relationship with God." I never realized that before but it makes so much sense in light of Scripture about Christ and the Church and how the marriage relationship mirrors that. What a great thing to realize!

Chapter 5

Some thoughts.....
We must submit ourselves to the authority of Scripture otherwise everything in our lives, including our marriage will be confusing, undefined, and without guidance.

What God commands us women to do does not hinge on the man loving his wife the way Christ loves the church. THANK GOODNESS! How confusing that would be! I have one focus each and every day as a married woman that does not depend on man, but on God.

"It was nothing short of divine wisdom that enabled me to understand the destructiveness of taking personal offense when my husband did things that seemed unfair, selfish, or harsh." Wow, that's really key to me. After many years of marriage, I'm seeing this and applying it!

Praise God for wisdom! Wisdom is key to understanding our men. Wisdom helps us understand them, to say what we mean, to evaluate ours and their motives fairly... Wisdom helps us not take personal offense. Wisdom helps us submit even if they fail as a leader.

Helpmeet--Ch. 4 & 5; Jessica

This blog was quiet while we were on vacation! My favorite excerpt from these two chapters is on page 43:

This, then, is the rule of life for wives: Live with thanksgiving, forgiveness, and joy, and enjoy all your moments as if they were your last. Someday, soon enough, they will be. (emphasis added)

Don't we all act as though we're going to live forever? I mean, if I truly consider that this could be my last day on earth (and it very well could be), how would that change the way that I serve, love, and cherish my family? Greatly! Debi is at a different season of life. She has watched all of her children grow to adulthood and so she, very wisely, is reminding us to treasure our time. I'm so glad she did.

Helpmeet--Ch. 2 & 3; Stephanie

This picture was taken just a couple of weeks after my son, Mason, was born. I was looking a bit haggard, but my sister and I were about to go out and indulge in a pedicure. Too bad I didn't get the "after" picture; I'm sure I was more perky! Great memories, Chelle.

Now, on to business! I remember the first time I read Ch's 2 and 3. Boy was I convicted! I had spent almost a year in "martyr" mode...the long face, the hurt eyes, the crushed spirit. And these chapters were just the slap-in-the-face with a dose of honey I needed. Just like Prov. 17:22 says, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine."

The 4th paragraph of Ch. 2 was like a bad car accident: I couldn't help but look at it...again and again. As I read it, even now, I am convinced that my "poor me" attitude (even when I have good reason for feeling hurt) is only pouring oil on an already slippery road toward a heavenly marriage. It's true that we don't have the kind of carefree, silly love we had when we first got married. But then we have a lot more stress on our marriage now. And I can't devote all of my love to just him anymore; I have 2 little ones who require my affection and attention all day long. I know you all understand what I'm talking about. I may be drained of that playful love by the time he walks through the door, but I can sure have a sweet smile and an energetic attitude. Of course, all of this work to be and look merry must come from One who has no lack: The joy of the Lord is my strength. And I must pray in order to receive that strength from Him who earnestly desires my sanctification, and will not hold back those resources which enable my obedience.

My sister gave me a quote a few years ago, which was so profound an admonition, I posted it on my bathroom mirror and read it almost daily. I think it will be most helpful to those wives who are married to dominant men, but all wives will benefit from it. Puritan preacher, Andrew Murray, says:
"Humility is perfect quietness of heart. It is to expect nothing, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in the Lord, where I can go in and shut the door, and yield to my Father in secret, and am at peace as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and above is trouble. The humble person is not one who thinks meanly of himself, he simply does not think of himself at all."

Humility and contentment walk hand-in-hand. And Debi Pearl says it straight in Ch. 3: "Discontentment is not a product of circumstances; it is the state of the soul," and again, "Most people have practiced hitting the notes of bitterness, sourness, hurt feelings, and frustration so long that their soul finds the discordant notes easily, almost without thought." I am discontent when I think I deserve better treatment or more accolades or easy communication with my husband. And just about the time I want to go to the wall for my "rights", I remember that I will not be content in getting what I desire but in fashioning my spirit to my condition. It is not always an easy condition to live in; but I can smile at the future, hope, and believe that God is at much at work in my beloved as He is in me. "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which you were also called in one body; and be thankful."

Prayer request; Chelle

Hello all. I would like to ask for your prayers for our family during the next week . We will be taking a week long trip out of the country, to Montenegro (formerly Yugoslavia) starting on Sunday the 6th. This will be a much needed rest for our family during the girl's spring holiday. God has so graciously provided an inexpensive vacation rental on Kotor Bay, near the Croatian border. I would ask that you pray for a few things specifically -

Safety in travelling. We have never crossed the border without a native speaker before. There are so many complications in border crossing and driving in a foreign country.

Quality family time in the Word, in prayer, playing, exploring and learning about the part of the world that God has called us to minister in.

Spiritual refreshment and renewal for me, especially. I have found that the daily stresses of life in Albania have impacted my personal worship time. I am looking forward to a new view (a house on a fjord on the side of a mountain) and a hot cup of coffee as I spend time with God. Pray that I will not allow the "vacation" laziness to keep from this necessary time with the only source of real rest.

Time for Kris and I to talk, be romantic, have fun and laugh together. I am really praying that we will take time to really communicate about where we are with God, with eachother, in our parenting and so on.

That we would be able to make some lifetime memories with the girls.

The weather forecast is for lots of rain and we are praying that God will give us a few days of sunshine so that we can hike around and enjoy the fresh air. We hope to drive up to Dubrovenic, Croatia, to visit the beach in Budva, Montenegro, and to explore some old castle ruins in Kotor.

Most importantly, that we would not take a vacation from our view of the world and the kingdom of God. I am praying that God would provide us with the privilege to share the gospel with someone in Montenegro. It will be like a mini mission trip. It is too easy for me to view vacations as MY time to get away, be served, have a break, and not focus on the eternal things of life. I want for this time away to help re-focus my eternal eyes so that when we come back, I will have a more passionate and worshipful walk with God.

We will return on Saturday, the 12th, and I plan to post my blog about chapters 4 and 5 in the days following our return. Thank you for your prayers.

Two More Free Tools; Jessica

Dear Ladies,

Our family will soon be leaving on an out-of-state trip, and so I will not be posting on the next two chapters. When I am back online (around the 14th) I will enjoy reading about all that you have learned. Before I go, I would like to share two more links which have been helpful to me:

Prayer for my Husband

and

Webster's 1828 Dictionary Online

This dictionary might assist you in word studies. Here is one example, using a verse from Proverbs:

House and riches [are] the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife [is] from the LORD. (Prov. 19:14)

First, I looked up the Biblical usage of the word "prudent" at the Blue Letter Bible site. Here are some of the meanings which stood out to me:

• be circumspect
• wisely understand
• prosper
• have insight
• to give attention to, consider, ponder
• teach

Now, you can go to the 1828 Dictionary and expand your understanding of the word "prudent" or any of the other words that came up in the list above, such as "circumspect."

PRU'DENT, a. Cautious; circumspect; practically wise; careful of the consequences of enterprises, measures or actions; cautious not to act when the end is of doubtful utility, or probably impracticable.

The prudent man looketh well to his going. Prov.14.

A prudent man foreseeth the evil and hideth himself. Prov.22.

1. Dictated or directed by prudence; as prudent behavior.

2. Foreseeing by instinct; as the prudent crane.

3. Frugal; economical; as a prudent woman; prudent expenditure of money.

4. Wise; intelligent.

CIRCUMSPECT, a. Literally, looking on all sides; looking round. Hence,

Cautious; prudent; watchful on all sides; examining carefully all the circumstances that may affect a determination, or a measure to be adopted.